#she tries to find real happiness after being told that contentment and satisfaction isn’t enough and it just makes her feel worde

[eliotquillon]

fuck it we ball i’m gonna plan the meth time loop fic . worse comes to worst and it never gets done i can just post the outline on here for anyone who’s interested in seeing where i wanted it to go

[bibbykins]

Penumbric Commitments (M)

A/N: Happy Valentine's Day!! I wrote this up real quick yesterday, so please forgive any lacking in quality, but I had the idea and absolutely sprinted with it! I hope you all enjoy and look forward to the next full length fic I post, which I gave a not so little hint in here to!

Warnings: 18+, unhealthy relationship, manipulation, yelling, rough sex, light bondage, the usage of a belt as wrist restraints (consensual), brief fingering, male cumming inside, talking about not wanting a child, daddy kink, threatening to leave, offering to kill someone, semi-graphic talks of killing someone

Word count: 3.8k

Genre: Soft Yandere, Mafia! Au

Summary: Hindsight says Namjoon so easily complying with not having children was too easy considering his position in the business and the nightmare his parents had readily become. What you didn't realize was how far Namjoon was willing to prove to you he meant what he said that day: all you both ever need is each other.

Note: this is a canon drabble apart of the Silhouetted Bonds fic linked here

It's times like these that you regret getting a traditional clock. The ticking was incessant and daunting. It felt like it was getting closer and closer to your ear with the deafening silence it was slicing through. Analogs had to be the way to go, or better yet, none at all. The last thing you needed right now was a reminder of how much time has been spent at this table. Namjoon had sprinted home the moment his mother called him after your meeting with her. 

----

"Mrs. Kim, always a pleasure." You shook the older woman's hand with a tight smile. 

She returned yours with an equally fake smile, "Please, you know you can call me mother." She chided, but nevertheless you stayed silent as you sat back down at the table in your home. It used to be mom.

It was 8 a.m. your mother in law wanted to meet, so to be petty, you stated 9 a.m. would be great. It's a shame that your relationship with her came to this, but truthfully, it was far from your fault.

While in the beginning she had been like a mother to you, things quickly took a steep downturn the moment Namjoon reintroduced you into his life. The woman who had once been lively, rebellious, and took charge became a demure, stoic, and merely content wife. She had given you talks about your duty as the wife of the boss and the expectations she expected you to fulfill nowadays as opposed to telling stories of her youth and teaching you how to bake eccentric treats. She had even admonished you for leaving Namjoon, an idea she gave you really. Since then, she had always stated your allegiance to the business and your own husband had yet to be proven in her eyes. The notion struck you to only provide her with business professional talks.

You had always known her and Namjoon's father had been a marriage of convenience, but there seemed to be intense love between them, at least at one point. You're not sure when that collapsed in your absence, and sure you felt bad,but you did not care for her patronizing tones. If Namjoon wouldn't retaliate, she almost definitely would've had you killed the moment you decided to leave her precious son. 

"Now, I understand you're a busy woman, so I'll be chaste." She spoke as she took her seat, giving you a pointed look, "Do you feel as though you've made up for your betrayal?" This was obviously a trick question in her eyes, the simple answer being no.

However, you couldn't care less, "I have never betrayed anyone close to me, including Namjoon, if that's what you mean." You met her eyes with valor, "I don't see why you feel the need to ask such a silly question each time I see you." 

She laughed humorlessly, "Maybe I'm hoping for the right answer to cross your stubborn mind." Truly, if Namjoon didn't love and cherish his parents so much you would've told her to fuck off and mind her business, maybe focus on her own shitty marriage, by now. Alas, Namjoon was a people pleaser and fiercely intent on being a filial son.

"You mean your answer to the question about how I feel?" You raised a brow, "Even when apart from Namjoon, I took no other man. I've never even lied to Namjoon, I've been nothing but an honest and hardworking wife after forgiving his own shortcoming in honesty." You watch her fist clench in her lap at the suggestion of her precious boy having a shortcoming of any sort, "A shortcoming well remedied, seeing as I'm still here." You chided lightly in spite of the heavy tension. You pitied your staff in this moment for having to watch this battle of wills.

"Sometimes husbands lie to… protect, their wives." She struggled to find the right words as she regurgitated what Namjoon's father undoubtedly told her one too many times. Misery loves company, and goodness, did she want you to be as miserable as her.

You returned her fake smile two fold before speaking, "That's lovely, but I don't need protecting from my husband, I need trust, honesty, respect." The final word made her back straighten, "I'd like to live in reality with him, not be shielded from it, but I respect what you wish for your own marriage, but this is what I like for mine." 

She hummed in faux thought, "Very well, I can leave you to reflect on what marriage should be, you're still so young." You fought the urge to roll your eyes, "However, you're not that young…" This was a new addition, "When will I be receiving a grandchild?" 

Your brows furrowed. Namjoon told you she took the news of no grandchildren quite well. He told you that she was informed of your no children rule mere days after you spoke the words. The radio silence on the topic of children each time you met with either of his parents confirmed much for you, and you had even found yourself quite proud of him for standing his ground with you. Surely, his parents are not nearly old enough to be so forgetful.

This was the first question in a while that made you falter, and you could see the satisfaction she gained from it, "Grandchildren? I'm unsure what you-"

"Namjoon told me the last time I visited him in prison, you wanted to wait for your fifth wedding anniversary before trying for children, isn't that coming up quite soon?" She raised a brow and you felt your heart shatter. 

He lied to you. Again. He lied to you mere moments after you were ready to forgive him for lying to you the first time.

You let out a bitter laugh, "He did now?" She nodded and you shut your eyes for a moment, "It seems I've been made a fool of again." You sighed before looking as confusion crossed your mother-in-law's features, "I told Namjoon the very last time I visited him in prison that I did not want kids, ever."

"You know that's not possible for him, he's a successor." She laughed at your boldness.

"You know that he is an adult man with 6 brothers, biological or not, who will all marry one day, surely one of them will adopt or have a child." She scoffed at this, "I got my tubes tied years ago." This wiped the smile off her face.

"Does Namjoon know about this?" She snapped and you nodded with a bitter smile.

"He accompanied me to the appointment for moral support." You shot back.

"Well, your tubes can be untied and-"

"No." You deadpanned.

"No?" She mimicked in disbelief.

 "If Namjoon requires a child, he will also require a new wife." Your voice was cold and you watched shock settle into the woman across from you, "With his habit of lying coming to light, he may have to find a new wife regardless."

She stood, "Don't be-"

"Please, do not waste your breath on orders I will not be following." You held your hand up to silence her.

"I'll call Namjoon, he can talk this out with you, so you can see things our way." She tried to sound reassuring as one of your staff rushed to see her out respectfully when you did not budge from your seat.

You stayed seated at the mahogany table, staring at your wedding ring. You didn't want to get a divorce. You loved Namjoon, more than anything, and yet, did he love you more than anything?

----

You're not sure how long you stayed there, questioning everything, but it was enough time for Namjoon to come home. He ripped the door open, eyes searching frantically, ready to make sure you had not already left him before his eyes landed on your figure. From there, he took his seat across from you at the table and waited until he could no longer take the silence.

"Are you going to say anything?" Your husband's voice was calm, although fear was evident in his timbre.

You sucked your teeth and shrugged, continuing to look at your freshly manicured nails, "What's there to say?" Your voice was short, as if you were already tired of the conversation before it could even start, "You lied to me."

Your husband dropped his head into his hands and sighed, "Junebug, I'm sorry, I-"

"You embarrassed me, again." You look at him for the first time all night with a sharp glare, "Are you trying to find an excuse to divorce or do you just not care about me?" 

"Neither!" His head shot up and he met your eyes with deep regret when he realized you were looking at him with the anger and hurt he found you with all this years ago, "I love you, more than anything-"

"Obviously not!" You snapped, "Do you have any idea how it feels to explain to your shitty and judgy mother in law that, in spite of what her precious son said, you had no plans to have children, that you got your fucking tubes tied?!" Namjoon sighed, either in shame or pain, "Were you just hoping that would come around? That I'm such a fickle woman that I don't mean what I say?" 

His brows furrowed, "No, if I thought that, why did I let you get your tubes tied?!"

"Let me?" Your voice was mockingly soft, "You let me, huh?" You cocked your head slightly and he closed his eyes in frustration, "How fucking charitable of you, my sweet husband, master of the fucking house, to let your dumb little wife make a choice for her body!" You stood, "How considerate of you to play supportive husband only to fold the moment your mother asks you a question-"

"You know what my duty as the only son is!" It was his turn to raise his voice, but he immediately regretted it as he saw your eye twitch.

"And you knew my stance on kids before you got out of prison." You seethed, "You know why I don't want a fucking kid, nor do I plan to fold on my stance, because I'm all I've got left there." Namjoon's mouth parted slightly before he pressed his lips together.

"It's not my fault you don't want a kid because you'd be a bad mother just like your own." The words left his mouth before he could even begin to consider the repercussions. He was about to open his mouth again to back track wildly, but it was far too late as you took a step back, the weight of his words being too much to take from across the table.

He watched hurt consume your irises for only the second time in his life, the first time being mere hours before you left him for years, before you made him promise to never betray you like that again as a condition for you to come back to him. A condition that he evident did not adhere to in your eyes. "Do you want to know what made my mother such a bad mother?" He watched as the embers of rage within your eyes were only stoked by his reflection in your pupils, although he could see a thin layer of moisture begin to build up, pain, "You know, like I would be?" Your words were almost mocking as he stayed eerily still, "An unsupportive, isolating, and shitty sorry excuse for a fucking husband." Your word hit him like a truck.

Unsupportive. Isolating. Sorry excuse for a husband.

You weren't wrong right now. He felt shitty. He knew he should've just stood his ground. His parents didn't matter if it meant losing you, "I didn't mean that, what I said about-"

"You're right." A tear fell and he felt his heart shatter, "So if you want a kid, it'll have to be with someone else."

"I don't want anyone else, I never have!" He made his way to you as you weakly stepped back, "You're all I need." His voice was soft as he went to grab your hand, but you pulled away.

"You said that last time." Your tears were beyond your control as you wiped at them in vain, "You said that mere days before you told your mom that we were going to have kids and you told me your mom took the news well." You sniffled, "You lied to me, I can't believe that you lied to me and let me just walk around like a fool believing you, again!" 

He was stunned silent again. You were right. He had lost his back bone under the strict gaze of his parents and folded under pressure. He betrayed you, and all he could do was hope for your forgiveness.

You shook your head as he remained mute, "I need some time." You went to walk past him and to the door but he engulfed you in a hug, "Namjoon!" You struggled weakly to pull him from you but froze when you heard a sniffle.

"Please, don't go." He begged as he held you close, "I can't lose you again, I'm so sorry, please."

You fought sobs from escaping your mouth, "You lied to me, and your mom-"

"I'll kill her if you want me to." He spoke and your blood ran cold at his tone. He was serious, "My mom and my dad, I'll tell them we're not having children and if they can't handle that, they can leave us alone or die."

Your eyes were wide, tears frozen in time. Namjoon loved his parents. He was always a kid intent on surpassing their expectations, and he had made that clear to you when you started dating in highschool. You were his only sign of rebellion. He was intended to marry a woman from an affluent family, but he met you. You had figured that would be where his rebellion ended, but here he was, handing his parent's hearts in your hands and awaiting orders.

"Joonie, y-you can't mean-" You sputtered to reason but he only held you tighter.

"Or even if you just want me to kill them, I will, with my own hands of course, nobody else can know." His remained headstrong in his resolve, stroking your hair, "I don't care what I have to do to keep you with me." He kissed the top of your head, "You are the only person, the only thing on this Earth that matters to me I cannot live without you." 

A sick, and extremely twisted part of you wanted to call your mother-in-law and say, "Hah!" You wanted to rub it in her face that her son, in spite of everything, chose you. Her precious boy has been yours for years now. However, your sanity slipped through the cracks as you shook your head again.

"You love your parents." You shook your head as you cried into his chest, "And if you felt that way, why would you lie to me?"

He sniffled, "I was weakened, not 100% sure you would truly accept me with open arms and I panicked when they asked." He sighed, "I know it's pathetic and I know I seemed like I knew we would make it, but I didn't know that. They never brought it up after that so I naively thought they would forget and when they asked me again, I would tell them the truth and-"

"You're so stupid." You cried harder into his chest and felt him nod, "If you're scared to face your parents, tell me, and we'll do it together." You were surely ruining his dress shirt, but he stroked your hair soothingly, "Your mom has been calling me a shitty wife for years and after today, she must truly believe it, and I-I should take some time-" Namjoon held you, arms sliding down your body as he got down to his needs and you felt your heart drop, and you gasped, "Stop, don't-" 

You tried to help him up but he grabbed your wrists as he looked up at you with tear stained cheeks and eyes as wet as yours, shaking his head at your frantic protests as he kissed your hands and your wedding ring tenderly, "I can't lose you again." His voice was weighty with sorrow at the thought of you being away from him, "You matter more to me than my duty as a successor does, than my parents do, even more than this whole fucking business." He rubbed his cheek against your hand in desperation as you stood frozen from the shock of Namjoon begging on his knees with the utmost humility. The most powerful man in the city, undoubtedly the country as well, was on his knees crying and begging you to stay, "If killing my parents is what I have to do to prove it, I will. Name how you want it done, when you want it done, and I'll do it." He was dead serious and he could tell you knew it as tears spilled onto your cheeks even more, "You're a better wife than I deserve, and all I can ever hope is to be even a fraction of the husband you deserve, and I'm sorry I've been missing the mark." This made your face twist in pain, regret. Namjoon, up until today, had been nothing short of perfect, and even now he was making up for it, "Almost losing you nearly killed me, and-and I get that sometimes people need time to calm down but I would just prefer you beat the shit out of me instead-"

"I didn't mean that either!" You cried out as you sunk down to your knees to hug the sobbing man before you, "You aren't a sorry excuse for a husband, you're just a goddamn idiot, and I didn't want time I just didn'twant to see your stupid face because I was so angry." You laughed as he did for a moment, "Above all else, you're an amazing husband. I love you, always have, I just hate when you lie-" Your voice in his ear was like heaven as he felt a weight lift of his shoulders.

He grabbed your legs to wrap around his waist before you could properly settle onto your knees. He held you close and he soothed your cries, "I haven't lied to you since, I can promise you that." He sighed and you scoffed, "You don't have to believe me. I'm just asking you to stay with me so I can prove it over time." 

"I'm...I'm not leaving you." You sighed into his neck before he pulled you back to trap your lips between his as he kissed your with a vigorous passion. When you returned his kiss with an equal amount of desperation, he began to stand with you in his arms before promptly laying you on the couch, never detaching his mouth from yours the whole time.

You settled into the velvet cushions as he ground himself into your sex, making you gasp, "I love you, my darling." He murmured into your mouth while one of his hands slid your dress up and your panties to the side before brushing his fingers across your pussy and groaning at your wetness, "Oh fuck, you're so wet, baby." His mouth went to your ear as you moaned, threading your fingers into his hair, "Was it me promising to kill for you or me getting onto my knees that did it, hm?" He rubbed slow circles over your clit and you gasped, "You get off on me spilling blood for you? You get wet by me demeaning myself to keep you right here, where you belong?" 

"Yes, daddy, I do- fuck!" You clutched his hair harder as his finger slipped in and your hips wiggled impatienly, "Just fuck me, I don't care about being stretched, fuck me." 

Too desperate to even hesitate, Namjoon undid his belt, ripping it from his trousers as he secured your wrists within the leather garment, as he had done many times before. He undid your belt as he pushed your arms up and his pants down with his boxers. He slid into you with a deep groan that you matched with a wanton moan. He fucked himself into you feverishly, wasting no time in chasing your high as his nimble finger went down to stimulate your clit, "I love you so fucking much, y/n." He groaned as he felt you tighten, "I don't care who I have to kill to prove it, I'll even let you watch the light drain from their fucking eyes if it means you'll stay with me." 

You moaned out as he whispered gruesome threats to the outside world intermingling with sweet nothings as he held the belt around your wrists,using it as leverage to fuck you harder. If you were sane, you would not be getting closer and closer to orgasm as he cursed the rest of the world into painful deaths just to have you as his wife, but here you were, clenching around him and opening your legs further so he can go deeper, "Shit, I'm gonna cum!" You cried out, arms going over Namjoon's head so you could pull him down to you by the neck and kiss his lips messily.

His hand went from your clit as he wrapped his arm around you to hoist you up and slam himself into you further, "That's right baby, cum for daddy and I'll give you my cum." He cooed in spite of the strain to keep himself from busting you before you get your release. His words only threw you over the edge as you climaxed, hurdling him into his own. He fucked his cum into you like always and you moaned lightly until he was done.

He held himself inside of you as you both gained your breath again, exchanging occasional kisses, "You don't have to kill them, you know." You spoke finally "Although, I won't be so cordial with their bullshit anymore."

He nodded, "I'm by your side, Junebug, forever and always." You smiled before kissing him.

"And I, you." You hummed blissfully.

"We have everything we need between just the two of us, I promise." He smiled against your kiss while you nodded, "You'll be the only one calling me daddy for the rest of out lives- hey!" You smack his chest lightly as you both laughed blissfully, letting the seriously twisted shit that just transpired be a simple part of the past.

"Your mom is a bitch." You giggled tiredly as he chuckled.

"Don't worry about being nice to her if you don't want to, I have my priorities straight." He gave you another kiss that you returned with glee.

As he was cleaning you up, your hazy mind allowed you to feel smug at the fact that you just saved your shitty in-laws from certain death. You were their ticket to life. You were their precious successor's priority. You were his only true love.

Namjoon watched with nothing but love as he tucked your sleeping form into bed. Thinking on it now, he doesn't know if he could even stand the idea of you loving a child as much as you loved him. He enjoyed his monopoly over your affection, and a child would only throw a wrench in that for him. Taehyung liked kids, Jungkook seemed like a family man, maybe even Hoseok if that new girl he's saying is as serious for him as he says. All it took was one kid to carry on the business, so you didn't need to worry your pretty little head about it.

All you had to worry about was staying by his side and all he had to worry about was being a good enough husband to keep you there. He kissed your forehead as he held you closer to him, texting his mom the next time she disrespects you or his marriage, there would be consequences. 

You were the only person he needed. He would do anything to make you understand that. 

The ticking of the clock was nowhere to be heard as you laid in Namjoon's arms. You snuggled into him as you caught sight of the thinly veiled threat he sent to his own mother on account of your feelings. He was yours just as much yours were his and the victory of it all had never tasted so sweet. His heartbeat was all you could hear, steady, loving, and to the beat of the drum you commanded. 

You both wouldn't have it any other way.

Masterlist

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[sithsecrets]

A Matter of Expediency - Part IX

After being married off to Kylo Ren in the name of securing an heir to the First Order’s throne, a princess tries to navigate the ins and outs of married life. As she grows closer to her new husband, the princess also carves out a place for herself in the Order, assuming control over her life when she thought she would have none.

---

Part 9

4.7k words

Mentions: swearing

---

The next several weeks of your life are a virtual continuum of meetings and planning sessions. You work both with the Board of Charitable Affairs and alone, studying poverty statistics, learning about various cultures, and deciding which locations and issues take precedence over other points of interest. It’s a lot of hard work, but you find satisfaction in your duties nonetheless. Every positive report and letter of gratitude that falls into your hands staves off feelings of burnout and discouragement, and after a month and a half, you feel like you’ve made a real difference in the lives of some of your underprivileged subjects. Even so, there’s still so much to be done, but you’re more than ready to rise to the occasion.

Other members of the Board are wowed by your dedication, and even some the Chairwoman’s cronies admit that your proposals have merit. Evan herself is still a thorn in your side, but mostly harmless. Her jabs are sly, and you know that she gossips about you behind your back. She’s furious that you’re doing so well, and it shows in every malicious remark. The Chairwoman could do nothing to spoil the work you love so much, and in any case, the friendships you’ve forged with your peers are fine buffers for her nastiness.

Overall, you feel more comfortable on the ship now. You know your way around for the most part, the strangers are less strange… The Supremacy feels like home, almost. You still miss sunshine and breathing real air, but you’re acclimating to this environment, to this life. People regard you with respect, and you think that most of them even like you— what more could you want?

Even your relationship with your husband has become a bit… smoother. The two of you have fallen into a routine together, and though you sometimes wish you saw Kylo more during the day, you’re still content to spend your evenings with him, to share his bed. He remains pleased with your charitable work, and you even caught him singing your praises to a group of officers once. Every compliment from Kylo, be it about your work, your appearance, or something else, never fails to make your pulse quicken, and you try to show him just as much kindness. Kylo isn’t free with his physical affection outside of the bedroom, but he does hold you each night as the two of you fall asleep, regardless of if you’ve had sex first or not. Though you yearn for a bit more affection in your marriage, this gesture does give you a bit of hope. You know that you’ve come to care deeply for Kylo, and you think (hope, pray) that he cares for you as well.

You find yourself mulling over the nature of you and your husband’s relationship frequently, plagued with worries about your connection. Truthfully, you wish you could see into the future so you could confirm for yourself whether or not you and Kylo will ever fall in love, but you have no such abilities. So, you’re left to wonder in silence, alone with your thoughts. You ponder the notion of simply being friends with the man you’re married to, of being cordial with the father of your children. The idea leaves a bad taste in your mouth, and you finally gather up the courage to voice your concerns to someone you think may be able to understand.

“Miriam,” you say one evening, eyes your attendant in the mirror as she brushes your hair. She is focused on her work, never looking up at you even as she speaks.

“Yes, Empress?”

“Have you ever worked for someone like me before?” you ask, immediately realizing how the question could be cause for confusion. “I mean, have you ever worked for someone who’s marriage was arranged?”

“Oh yes,” Miriam says at once, adjusting her stance as she works out a knot. “Many of the women I’ve served had their marriages arranged. Some of them never even laid eyes on their husbands before their wedding day.”

The mere notion of such circumstances makes you feel marginally luck, seeing that you got to meet Kylo more than once after your engagement. Not knowing what your husband looked like before you married him? Stars above…

You sit up a bit on your stool, hands fidgeting. “Did… Did it usually turn out okay?”

“Define ‘okay’,” Miriam says slowly, throwing you a curious look in the mirror now.

“Well… Did the couples usually end up caring for one another? As lovers do, I mean, and not just as partners or… or teammates.”

Miriam sets your brush down on the vanity in front of you, running her fingers through your hair absently as she decides what to do with it. “I’ve only seen one such marriage play out terribly, and I think it had more to do with their age difference and the husband’s proclivities than anything else. In every other case, at least in my experience, the couples ended up caring deeply for one another.” Miriam expression shifts to one of concern, and she sets her hands on your shoulders rather gently. “Why do you ask, my lady?”

You could dismiss Miriam, you know. You could tell her that you’re done talking, you could shut her down completely and demand that she dress you without saying anything more. But Miriam doesn’t deserve to be treated that way, and your heart is too raw for cruelty at the moment.

Miriam must take your hesitation to speak as an indicator of trouble, because she narrows her brow and asks, “Has everything been alright with the Supreme Leader, Empress?”

It’s a bold question, almost too bold, but you’re happy to know that Miriam feels safe enough with you to speak in such a fashion.

“No, no,” you say quickly, rushing to assure your attendant that you’re okay. Because you are, in the grand scheme of things— you’ve just been locked inside your head too much lately. “Kylo’s been wonderful. I just— I just hope that I have his heart, or that I’ll come to have it, eventually.”

You hate yourself for crying, swiping away the tear that rolls down your cheek as if it’s burning your skin. Miriam watches you do this, concern and sympathy written plainly on her face. She finally takes her hands off your shoulders, threading her fingers through your hair now. An outsider would think that she was simply sectioning off your hair for styling, but her touch is far too gentle against your scalp to be anything less than comforting.

“Does the Supreme Leader have your heart, Empress?” Miriam asks quietly.

You force yourself to swallow the lump in your throat, biting back more tears. As a result, your voice is nothing more than a strained whisper. “I think so.” Miriam’s eyes soften considerably, and she quits fussing with your hair. You bark out a laugh, though it’s a humorless one. “Isn’t that pathetic? “I’m in emotional turmoil because I have a crush on my husband.”

Your attendant replies, failing to acknowledge your self-deprecating remark. “Though I don’t profess to know his feelings, I do believe that the Supreme Leader cares for you,” Miriam states, making an actual effort to style your hair now. “He doesn’t parade you around like a trophy or a decoration, but he does like having you by his side when the two of you make appearances. And you’ve told me yourself that he’s proud of the work you’ve done for all of the Order’s charitable causes. Men who don’t care for their wives definitely don’t care about what their wives do, no matter how great their achievements.”

Miriam pauses to meet your eyes in the mirror, smiling warmly. You return to the gesture, already feeling a bit silly about your little crisis. Everything that Miriam’s said isn’t news to you— perhaps you just needed to hear it from someone who’s not involved the way you are.

“And,” your attendant adds, “if I may be so bold… his affection for you is written plainly on your skin.”

Your entire body floods with heat at this, and your face turns so red so fast that it’s almost unnatural. You know good and well what Miriam’s referring to, the love bites on your shoulder, the bitemark on your chest. Kylo called them “reminders” the first time he ever put such a thing on your body— they’re supposed to help you remember how beautiful he thinks you are. And though you like to think that the sentiment is something special, you downplay it now in front of Miriam now.

“He could do that to anyone,” you say, flustered. Miriam raises her eyebrows a little, casual.

“He could,” she concedes, “but he doesn’t. He marks you where only the two of you can see. It’s not a possessive action, not meant for the benefit of others.”

You quite like the sound of that, but your embarrassment prevents you from saying so. Miriam tucks one last pin into your hair, and then her hands are gripping your shoulders again.

“The Supreme Leader thinks much of you,” she declares, “both as a diplomat and as his wife.”

You nod at this, encouraged by the serious look in your attendant’s eyes. Miriam gives you the smallest of shakes, a gesture meant to punctuate her conviction. “Love will come,” she assures you, “I promise.”

Part of you wants to argue, wants to say “what if,” but you push every doubting remark back down your throat. Miriam is no great oracle, she can’t possibly know how everything’s going to play out, but you trust her immensely. She’s lived far more life than you have, and if she says that something’s going to happen, then it likely will. And in any case, Kylo is sweet to you, he does hold you and kiss you and call you his when the door is closed and the lights are low. So for now, you choose to be content with what you have.

“Love will come.”

---

The rest of your day is rife with meetings and political engagements, more so than usual. You receive countless ambassadors and visiting parties in the throne room, talking with each and every single person at length about their concerns and worries. Winter is fast approaching on some of the Order’s most underprivileged possessions, and many leaders from those planets and territories fear for their poor and sick. You sympathize with them immensely, but still, it’s been daunting to take each proposal and plan in turn. But thankfully that’s all done for now; the throne room sits empty, the corridor outside of it vacant and quiet.

The ship’s evening cycle is upon you, and you’re more than ready to retire to your chambers. A hot meal and a warm bath would do you good, you think, along with a change of clothes. Your shoes have been pinching your feet for hours, and you’re just sick of being covered in beading and embroidery and delicate little things that you have to treat gently. Draping yourself in beautiful clothes is always such fun, but all the fussiness of it does get old after a while.

Before you can make it back to your sanctuary, however, two stormtroopers come out of nowhere and inform you that your husband wants to speak with you at once. With a raging headache and aching feet, you want nothing more than to send the both of them away, to send Kylo a com letting him know that he can come to your quarters if he wishes to tell you something, but you do none of this. If Kylo’s asking for you directly, it must be urgent, so you let the two troopers lead you through the ship, praying all the while that nothing too awful has happened.

It’s cold in the hanger bay when you and the stormtroopers arrive, icy air biting at your skin through the fabric of your sleeves and bodice. Kylo awaits you near a small craft, flanked by the other Knights of Ren. Though they bow deeply and regard you with the proper respect you deserve, you can’t tell what any of them think of you, these strange, powerful men and women who serve Kylo so loyally. Honestly, they unsettle you quite a bit, all of them faceless and expressionless behind masks and helmets, constantly armed and armor-clad. You suppose other people are afraid of Kylo for the same reasons when they first meet him, but you’re of the opinion that the other Knights are just simply less approachable, less human than he is. Perhaps if you could just see their faces…

Turning away from the stares of the Knights, you give your husband a tired smile. “What’s the matter?” you ask, bracing yourself against the chill of the hanger as goosebumps pop up all along your arms.

“I just wanted to inform you that the Knights and I will be leaving for a few days,” Kylo declares, voice robotic through the vocoder in his helmet.

A wave of sadness washes over you, heavy and completely unexpected. You try to cover it quickly though, keenly aware of your audience.

“Now?” you ask, voice rather small.

Kylo nods curtly. “Yes.”

Suddenly, you hate his mask, you hate the fact that your husband’s face is covered. You wish you could see his expression, the look in his eyes, anything that would let you know what Kylo’s thinking.

“How long will you be gone?” you ask, shivering now. It really is cold in this damn hangar, and you aren’t draped in a cloak like everybody else.

“Two to four days,” Kylo answers. The stab in your chest is inexplicable, but it pains you nonetheless.

“I see,” you say, just because you feel like you ought to speak. You cast a look towards the Knights, eyeing their weapons and protective garments, and it suddenly dawns on you that they may be armed for battle. “Where exactly are you all going?”

Kylo is in no mood to be specific, it seems, simply telling that they’ll be doing some scouting in the Minor Possessions. This feels like a lie, but you don’t call him out, unwilling to accept the fact that Kylo could be injured or killed in the very near future. You wish desperately that the two of you were alone, that you could maybe have a moment with him before he leaves. He’ll never let you show him affection, not out in the open like this in front of subordinates, so you just nod, trying to paint on a smile to the best of your ability.

“Well, I hope you all return safely.” You take a small step forward, addressing your husband directly now. “Please be safe.”

Kylo doesn’t say anything for a moment, and though you still can’t see his face, you do think his voice is a bit gentler as he goes to speak. “We’ll be back very soon,” he assures you, and your heart jumps when he reaches out to stroke your arm for the briefest moment.

You smile one more time, watching sadly as your Kylo and his Knights file onto their vessel. They blast off into space without another word, leaving you to watch as their ship becomes but a speck on the inky expanse of stars before you.

It’s an upsetting turn of events, Kylo leaving, and you feel almost childish for not wanting him to go. If he and the Knights decided to leave so promptly, whatever they’re off to do must be important. And who are you to hinder your husband’s work? He never begs you to take a day off from your obligations, nor do you think he would stop you from doing whatever you felt was necessary. But… It’s just that you’ve had a long, grueling day, and you were so looking forward to crawling into Kylo arms at the end of the night.

Thankfully, Miriam’s already waiting for you when you arrive back to your rooms. You drag your feet all the way into the ‘fresher, scrubbing at your eyes with makeup remover as your attendant works to undress you and let down your hair. After you’re changed into more comfortable clothes, you dismiss Miriam for the evening, unable and unwilling to make small talk any longer.

Eating alone is just as depressing as you thought it would be, though getting into bed is even worse. You turn in early, of course, completely drained from all you’ve done today, but you find the bed far too big and far too cold without Kylo beside you.

Tossing and turning, you lie awake until the wee hours of the morning, finally passing out after it seems your body cannot stand to be awake any longer.

---

Kylo’s absence and your foul night’s sleep does nothing for your mood the next day, and you spend much of the morning agitated and snappy. It feels as though your meeting with the Board will never end, and what’s worse, the Chairwoman seems to be in a particularly bright, almost mischievous mood today. You’re sure her cheerful demeanor stems from something that happened this morning, likely an incident that involved her spatting on a custodian or kicking a small child as she walked by. In any case, her shrill laugh and wolfish grin only serve to sour your mood, and as the meeting wears on and on, you grow more and more inclined to have Evan’s tongue cut out on site. However, she’s left you alone for the most part, so you feel as though the action would be unwarranted.

Not ten seconds after this thought crosses your mind do you find yourself reconsidering your self-restraint.

“Oh, my lady!” the Chairwoman exclaims, turning her sharp little eyes your way. Malicious intent curls out of her mouth like smoke as she speaks, you can practically feel the jab coming. “I meant to ask you— where has the Supreme Leader run off to?”

Holding back the urge sigh deeply, you regard the Chairwoman evenly, saying, “A planet in the Minor Possessions.”

You’re being very fair, you think, indulging Evan with the truth even though your husband’s location is none of her business. But she’s seemingly unsatisfied with this, and there’s a glint in her eyes that you don’t like.

“Well, you certainly are a good wife, letting him jet out like that on a whim,” Evan sighs. You’re keenly aware that all eyes are on yourself and the Chairwoman, everyone no doubt waiting to see how this volley between the two of you will play out. “I know I’d be much less inclined to let my man go if I knew that he was going to be out unattended with whores about.”

Evan’s smile is so bright, and you know it must be painful for her to set her face in such a fashion. Her comment is obviously meant to bait you, and you hate that you have to bite the hook— what she’s said is too scandalous to be ignored, and you risk letting her win if you don’t cast your own line.

“The Knights are not whores, Evan, at least to my knowledge,” you say, deadpan, though you do let a sort of wry smile play on your lips as you regard the rest of the table. “Though I don’t profess to know what they do in their free time, nor do I care.”

The quip gets most of everyone chuckling along with you, and Evan’s feathers are ruffled. She sharpens her verbal sword, trying in earnest to draw blood with her words now. “Yes, that may be true, but there are rumors that say that more than one of the Supreme Leader’s Knights of a Ren is a bit… more than just a knight in his eyes.”

If you didn’t know her, this remark might upset you, might make you worried that someone else is sharing Kylo’s bed while he’s away from you. But this is the Chairwoman, and she is nothing but a vile, spiteful woman who wants to make you squirm simply because she enjoys making people upset. She’s so threatened by you, this cruel, bejeweled woman. It’s pathetic.

You lean on the smooth black table before you, chin cradled in one hand. “Chairwoman, may I ask you something?”

“Of course, my lady,” Evan replies readily. Oh, and she thinks she’s winning, you can tell by the glint in her eyes.

“Do you ever get tired of coming up with the drivel that constantly spews out of your mouth?”

Your foe looks as if she’s been slapped, that stupid grin finally melting off of her face. She’s overstepped herself and she knows it.

“I— I was simply making conversation, Empress,” Evan says quickly, letting out a light, nervous laugh.

“No you weren’t,” you scoff, shooting daggers right into the Chairwoman’s gray eyes as you cut her down to size. “You were trying to insinuate that my husband’s abandoned me here so he can fuck someone else in peace.”

The Chairwoman flushes, sitting up straight as a pin as she goes to dispute this. “I—”

“Oh, will you shut up?” you spit, cutting her off. “All you do is fucking talk and talk and talk! Sometimes I think I should just do everyone a favor and cut your tongue out myself.”

Right about now, Evan, her little lapdogs, and even the other members of the Board all look like they’re about to soil themselves. The only person who remains cool, calm, and collected is Hux, glaring at the Chairwoman from your side as you finish your little tirade.

“But I’m not going to do that because I’m a nice person.” You break into a sarcastic, mean grin as you say this, turning Evan’s favorite expression right back on her now. “I am, however, ending this fucking meeting. My head is pounding, and I’m sick of listening to you hold court at my expense. Get your work done somewhere else and be ready to impress me tomorrow.”

Nobody moves, not even when you say that the meeting’s over. They’ve never seen you like this, threatening and aggressive. Really, you don’t take any pleasure in acting this way, but enough is fucking enough.

“Go!” you snap. “All of you!”

Everyone is up like a shot now, including the Chairwoman, fleeing from the room as if it were on fire. You remain seated, watching on with disinterest and contempt, sparing a glare to anyone who isn’t moving fast enough for your liking. Within seconds, you and the Chancellor are the only ones left in the room.

“You can tell me if that was too harsh,” you say to Hux after a moment, feeling a bit sheepish about your outburst now that it’s over with. The Chairwoman absolutely got what she deserved, but you probably shouldn’t have dismissed the Board the way you did.

Hux shakes his head. “They’re you’re subordinates,” he tells you. “You can talk to them however you like. Personally, I think it was time someone reminded them who they’re dealing with.”

That makes you feel a bit better about the whole thing, but you shoot Hux a look, teasing. “You’re my subordinate, you know.”

Your friend rolls his eyes, rising from his chair as he drawls, “Have me drawn and quartered for my insolence, if you must.”

But then the Chancellor gives you one of his reserved little grins, offering you his arm, and you can’t help but smile back.

The both of you decide that it would be nice to dine privately, so you arrange to have your lunch brought to you and Kylo’s quarters. Hux jokes that the Chairwoman will be accusing you of adultery next time she wants to toy with you, and the two of you have a good laugh about that one. Anyone who could actually believe that you and Hux are having an affair is an absolute moron.

You give Hux a little tour of your quarters while the two of you wait for your meal to arrive, letting him duck into your closet and ‘fresher to kill time. It comes as a bit of surprise to you that the Chancellor’s never visited these rooms before you and Kylo married, but you suppose he had no reason to. And in any case, you’re sure that Kylo’s always been a private person— he’s not partial to intimacy in general, and that goes double when it comes to conducting official business.

Hux is in the mood to chat, it would seem, tittering on about this and that as the two of you dig into your plates. You tell him about your abysmal night’s sleep, even going so far as to disclose that Kylo’s sudden departure upset you more than you’d like to admit. What with Hux’s usual no-nonsense demeanor, you’d been half expecting him to laugh at you for that; instead, he’s surprisingly sympathetic.

“It’s difficult to sleep without your lover,” your friend states, pushing some of his food around idly. “Some beds are just too big for one person.”

It’s only then that you notice how exhausted he looks, pale with dark circles stamped under his eyes. The vulnerability in Hux’s gaze is unmistakable when he sneaks a glance up at you, behaving as if he’s just told you something private, as if he’s made a confession. You assume that this is his very stiff, emotionally guarded version of opening up to you, and you feel rather touched that your friend has come to trust you in this way. Your first inclination is to press for details, to make Hux elaborate on what he’s just implied, but you know that he’d just clam up and refuse to speak about the matter ever again. So, you simply say that he’s right, eyeing your friend carefully as he nods and goes back to eating.

---

To say that you’re relieved as you crawl into bed that night would be an understatement. It’s been such a long day, and you want nothing more than to drift off to sleep and forget about everything for a little while. But like the Chacellor said earlier, your bed is too large and too cold without Kylo beside you, and you can’t make your thoughts stop racing. Your head is filled to the brim, images of the Chairwoman and Hux and your husband swirling together into a storm that chases sleep right out of the harbor of your mind. It’s infuriating, lying wide awake as your body screams for rest.

You find yourself tossing and turning, flinging yourself across the bed in every way possible in a vain attempt to make yourself comfortable. Still, nothing works, and after twenty minutes you’re about ready to burst into tears. The mere notion of getting another awful night’s sleep has you ready to throw a fit, and now more than ever do you wish that your husband was home holding you in his arms.

Kylo checked in with you earlier on the com, though your correspondence was quick. He told you that he and the Knights were doing fine and that the mission was going well, though he was vague on the details. You’d been reluctant to get off the line, happy to hear your husband’s voice, but then Kylo said it was time to make camp and that he had to go. Really, you would feel best if he were here with you, but hoping that he’s warm and safe will have to do for the night. Everyone is always telling you how tough Kylo is, but wish he didn’t have to be. It pains you to imagine him shivering, to think of him anticipating an attack even as he tries to rest…

Yes, you’d much rather have your husband next to you now.

Finally, after what feels like hours, your eyes grow heavy. Burrowing down under the comforter, you turn to face the pane of transperisteel on the far wall, drifting off with the stars glittering before you.

[magaprima]

Part 2 Episode 6 Analysis (3/?) (i.e the horrible scene where Adam is served on a plate)

And now we come to That Dinner. Firstly, the table has been set, the vegetables cooked and prepared, the candles lit, and that’s a lot of small details and there’s music and everything’s just clearly prepared for a romantic meal, and while I know Lucifer clearly wanted to lure Lilith into a false sense of security, I can’t imagine him being someone to ever have the patience to do all that and to make it right, to make ti feel genuinely sweet and romantic. So the torturous part of me thinks that he killed Adam in the cottage, or in the garden, possibly while Adam was making dinner, so all these preparations were Adam’s, but then Lucifer killed him and made him the main course. But regardless, this does mean, as Lilith is eating a cooked steak, that Lucifer went to the effort of not just killing Adam, but getting him into a sizeable portion that fit in Mary’s oven? Side note: Mary must get a new oven if Lilith didn’t already rip the thing out. Second side note; where was the rest of Adam’s body? What did Lucifer do with it?

“You are a man of many talents, Adam; this roast is delicious”

This line kills me for two reasons. The way she says ‘many talents’ suggests she has seen his other talents, that she’s gotten to know him so well that she knows his skills, she knows what he’s good at. It also nicely implies some sexual/romantic gifts. The other reason this line kills me is that she thinks the roast is delicious, in a way that suggests it’s extra delicious, more so than usual....and it’s just, in retrospect (or in foreshadowing for that matter), the confirmation that Lilith feasts on male flesh. She doesn’t eat it, it’s not something she has to have to survive like a vampire with blood, it’s something she feasts on (her own choice of words) which is to say it’s something she indulges in, it’s a treat, it’s something she really enjoys. And the fact Lucifer knows this about her, and knows how much she’ll enjoy the taste because of how much she enjoys feasting on male flesh, and uses it against her, knowing that not only would she be horrified to realise who she is eating but that it would likely permanently ruin her enjoyment of feasting on male flesh permanently (as it is interesting we never see her eat human again after this episode)...is just such a specifically cruel way to torment and punish her. 

“I promised you deliciousness once upon a time”

Lilith is so blissfully content and blissfully ignorant in that contentment, she totally misses the clue in that line. The promise of deliciousness, the phrase, the implication it is, is always tied to Satan.....yet she doesn’t even blink, she’s too happy and satisfied in this little world she believes she still has. 

Now when Lucifer!Adam says ‘Dessert is your reward for saying yes to Tibet’, the first time I watched it and we didn’t know Adam was dead, I immediately had the thought of ‘oh so now we’re seeing who the real Adam is, that he’s not as nice as he’s appeared, we’re going to find out he’s controlling and abusive’, because that phrase was so out of character for Adam. It was the sort of demanding thing he never does, and it’s like even when Lucifer is pretending to be Adam he can’t manage to mimic him right, because Adam respects women and respected Lilith and would never imply such a demand-and-reward attitude. And you do see Lilith pause at this, as if thinking it odd or dislikeable herself. Which is why she stares at him and says ‘I haven’t said yes yet’ in her usual defiant way. 

Yet, when Lucifer!Adam replies ‘but....you’re going too’, she reconsiders and seems to think that rather than being demanding it was simply Adam knowing her well enough to have already guessed her answer, and this reveals a lot about her feelings for Adam, how much she loved him. She presumes he knows her that well now, because she feels that open and free with him, she may not have told him her real name, but she isn’t acting like anyone but herself, the ‘new Mary’ he believes he’s seeing is just Lilith without much filter at all. So therefore, he knows her in her opinion. Then  it also tells us that she loves him and knows him so much that she knows he wouldn’t ever demand anything of her, he would never hold something over her head, so she therefore ‘knows’ it can only be that he’s teasing her. Which would have been true....if Adam wasn’t actually fucking Lucifer. 

And it’s in that moment, that moment when she thinks she’s realised he knows her so well and she’s come to the conclusion she also knows him, and it’s this knowing-each-other-respectful-love that she makes her decision about Tibet. She takes a huge breath, she pauses, she sets her wine down; we are in no doubt that this is not an easy or sudden decision for Lilith, this is a big deal. She knows in saying yes to Tibet she is giving up being Satan’s right hand (or left hand as they’ve said in the show), she is giving up playing her role in the prophecy, she is giving up Lucifer, and most importantly, she knows she is giving up the throne. That is a huge fucking deal. And she is giving it up, because for the first time in her life, Lilith has a choice for happiness. Before she’s had choices between freedom and prison, death and survival, power and powerlessness, this is the first time ‘happy’ has been part of the choice, and when given a choice between happiness and power...she’s choosing happiness. And that says a lot about her character and her true nature. And it’s such a big fucking deal. 

And the moment she says ‘Yes, I am’ and takes a bite, is the moment the audience gets a flash of what’s to come. It’s a single frame, a glimse of the future that lasts no more than a single frame of a second, showing Adam’s head and Satan sat at the table. We know the truth before Lilith does, which is like saying ‘this is a joke on her. this entire conversation was a farce at her expense’. But it’s so quick, you don’t really see it unless you freeze frame by frame, it’s subliminal, giving us the sense something is very wrong as we then hear the unnatural crunch to Lilith’s bite and we see her pull out the enchanted ring

"How did that get in there?”

Okay, let me just cry at this line. Lilith says this so breathless with genuine confusion, she’s so bewildered because she cannot understand what’s happening. Lilith is usually the first to click about what’s going on, she’s also a very suspicious person, and as Ambrose says she notices everything, but right now, despite every sign telling her something is horribly wrong, she’s oblivious. She was that content in her little happy bubble that she forgot for a moment that Lucifer is an abusive arsehole who murders people and tortures her to keep her in her place. She was so lost in her feelings about Adam, and the hope of having a new, free life, and of going to Tibet, that she briefly thought she lived in a world without the Dark Lord. And it’s just so freaking innocent; the way she says it is one of those flashes we get of the way Lilith was in the beginning. The innocent, hopefully, yet strong and rebellious Lilith from the beginning, the one who had yet to suffer betrayals. 

Even when she sees his clawed hands, even when she looks up and looks straight in the Dark Lord’s face, it doesn’t click straight away. She’s surprised, she’s fearful, but the penny still hasn’t fully dropped. She’s in a state of denial, as if subconsciously, she still naively hopes that Adam is somewhere else, that he’s just at the shops while Satan is here tormenting her. just like when he spoke to her that night, threatening her, while Adam was in bed, utterly oblivious to it all. 

And then you see the fear deepening in her eyes as she glances down at the table, and I think, even  before Lucifer lifts the platter, she’s already starting to finally realise why the steak tasted like it did, and how the ring got into her meal, but she still doesn’t want to confirm it. You see how much she tries not to look at the platter, but it’s unavoidable....and then she can’t take her eyes away. And you can physically see her trying not to try, she is trying her hardest to hold back her sobs and, what I suspect, would be a scream of horror. She doesn’t want to give Lucifer the satisfaction, it’s a knee-jerk habit she undoubtedly has learned over the millennia to show as little weakness as possible, but this is really testing her. You can see the horror on her face and you can also see her heart slowly breaking in two, you can physically feel it. Everything she thought she had, everything she was counting on all of thirty seconds ago, just thirty fucking seconds, has all be taken away, violently, cruelly and deliberately. And then, what is both more heartbreaking and also interesting, is we see her horror start to turn to panic. She starts breathing erratically, because not only is she having to face this horror before her, but she also has Lucifer’s words in her ears, reminding her of what it all means:

“Our bond is eternal. Our bond is unbreakable. There is no escape to Tibet or anywhere else”

He is telling her that no matter what he does to her, no matter how he treats her, no matter how she changes her mind, no matter how her desires may change, no matter how she might want other things, no matter what she does, no matter whether she wants to serve him or not, no matter whether she wants to be with him or not, she has no choice. There is a bond between them that is eternal and unbreakable. Two interesting choice of words, as we know witches and warlocks sign the Book of the Beast as part of a contract, but it’s never said to be eternal or unbreakable, and from what we saw at Sabrina’s trial we know there are loopholes. We also know that Lilith never signed the book and was a witch in her own right, so any bond between them was never in exchange for power. So the fact there is a bond between them at all should be something self made. But the fact it is an eternal and unbreakable bond tells us it’s something beyond the norm, it’s something deeper than signing a Book, it’s something bigger than family, or even King or Queen, it is something ancient and powerful. Their stories are entwined, and Lucifer uses this to his abusive advantage. But the language choice is so interesting and revealing, and is perhaps the more mystical way of saying what Lilith qualified as ‘co-dependent’. 

He is also telling her that he knew precisely what Tibet was for her, he know she wants to escape, he knows her thoughts have changed, that her ambitious and priorities have shifted and that her loyalty has wavered and is waning also, he knows exactly what Tibet meant to her on every level, and Lilith is realising as she listens that as he has taken Tibet away, he will take away anything else she ever tries. He is reminding her that she is trapped. And as she looks at Adam’s severed head, she is seeing the person who respected her and made her feel happy and genuinely free has been ripped from her life, and all she is left with once more is nothing but her abuser. 

“Now, clear your plate of the mortal”

This instruction is horrendous. We don’t see her following this order, we only know that she does by the vomiting scene. But after telling her precisely what is on her plate, he makes her eat it. Bear in mind, she canonically states that Adam was the ‘one thing’ that she loved, bear in mind that we saw her excessively happy with him in the previous scene, bear in mind she was a minute ago planning to run off to Tibet with him, and she is being made to look at his severed head on the table, his dead eyes staring at her, while she eats a steak made of his fucking torso. She is made to clean her fucking plate. That is trauma that not even the rightful Queen of Hell is going to get over any time soon (hence why she broke into fucking horrified panic in Part 3). But thankfully, we’re spared seeing that scene.....all we watch is the moment where Lilith finally breaks.

You know that defence I mentioned above where she tries not to cry and you can see she knows showing weakness makes him win and makes everything worse and you can see her employing her usual survival techniques? That all goes the moment he tells her to clean her plate and she knows she’s going to have to, because she’s all alone and there’s no one going to help her, no one going to defend her or support her. She breaks, we see her give into the sobs. A choking sob, before she covers her mouth, trying to hold it back, but there’s no denying it, she’s not hiding it, she’s had her heart broken. Again. 

[let-me-write]

The Truth Untold

Find chapter 1 here

Chapter 2: Cirenworth hall

" Hey Min-Min, you're doing a good job !! Keep going !! "

Kit Herondale encouraged his little sister Mina who was chasing Church around their living room with determination. The grouchy cat was trying to evade her advances but to no avail as Mina managed to keep catching his tail.

He was beyond content observing his sister, who was, in fact, the only one who could get away with annoying Church. The immortal feline was affectionate of Mina but couldn't keep up with the toddler's curiosity at times, while nevertheless tolerating her. He would have gladly sat there, soaking in his sister's cute antics and the cat's predicament. But he had an important task for today, something he had been planning for months.

He must start now if he were to get it done before Jem and Tessa returned. He had been practising for this day with the help of his friend Amy, at her family's bakery.

Kit rounded up the ingredients and started mixing them on the kitchen counter. He was not confident because he had gotten it right only once in the past. Regardless, he kept going and placed the set batter into the oven for baking.

He was working on the frosting when Mina came into the kitchen exclaiming " Kittie!! There you are!! What are you doin'? " She hugged his legs tightly and looked up at him.

She had grown from an unassuming baby to this inquisitive toddler right in front of him. It all felt surreal to him even now. He had never imagined that he would have a loving family, much less a baby sister that adored him. Now, she was pulling his pants, awaiting his reply.

He bent down to pick her up and place her on the counter. He told her, " I'm baking a cake for Jem's birthday today "

She piped in " For Bapa? "

Kit nodded and continued " Yes, for Bapa. Do you wanna try the frosting, Min-Min? " He held out the spatula and she took some indulgently in her little fingers and tasted.

Her small face lit up with a satisfied grin as she declared " Gē Ge, you're the best !! ". Kit's heart skipped a beat, as it always did whenever she used the Chinese term for brother when addressing him.

He was pulled from his musing as the oven started beeping. He pulled out the now baked carrot cake.

Yes, Carrot cake, the only cake agreed upon by the senior members of Cirenworth hall.

Tessa hated chocolates - he had shuddered, thinking ' How Blasphemous !!! ', when he had learned about it - and, well, Jem didn't care much for desserts.

Kit moved on to slathering the cream cheese frosting he prepared on his cake and spread it uniformly as Amy had taught him.

Amy had become his only friend at Devon and her being a mundane had helped him reconnect with the contemporary pop culture of the mundane world. They had a good rapport and hung out at least once a week, whenever Kit felt like he had enough training for the week.

The frosting was done and now he was ready to pipe down ' Happy Birthday ' onto it but then he decided ' Why not make it a gift from Mina too? ' Thus, he addressed the wish to ' Bapa '.

By now, Mina was restless and wanted to help too. So, he guided her hand and together, they made a heart on the cake. She looked satisfied and squealed with delight " Bapa will love it !! "

Kit, on his way to secure the cake, assured her " Of course he will Min-Min !! Your hand's made it magical!! "

Now that the hard job was done, he set the table for the cake and anticipated the return of Jem and Tessa. They had gone to the farmer's market nearby, at least that's what Tessa had told him. She had assured him that she would keep Jem away from their home, providing ample time for Kit to prepare the cake.

Of course, Tessa was in on it with Kit, as they often were together in plans that involved surprising and/or anything to do with embarrassing Jem. They were a formidable team when it came to teasing the former silent brother, who was as clueless about modern society as he was oblivious to someone flirting with him.

In the last three years, Kit had succeeded to an extent in introducing him to all the mainstream movies. In fact, it had become a weekend ritual for the family; watching a new movie together, all curled up in their living room.

And those nights would all end with Mina fast asleep in Kit's arms while he explained all the contemporary references in the movie to the rest of the family. He was still not sure Jem understood them fully.

On such occasions, Kit would feel everything around him was a pipe dream that would disappear any moment now. There was no way he had a little sister and parental figures who cared for him as if he was their own.

Kit had wondered at such times...

Aren't they to me what a valuable shelter would be to a nomad and if that shelter was also a palace full of love and miracles? Isn't that not a mirage in the desert for a lost soul like him?

He would then look again at Mina's trusting smile and observe Jem and Tessa's unwavering affection for him. And he would assure himself that of course, this was all undoubtedly real and most importantly were what made him happy at present.

Yes, he was happy, there was no denial in that.

He was as happy now as he could be since his father's death and the events that had followed.

He was grateful for this family that he could call his, for once.

After all, he owed that to Jem and Tessa for their efforts to make him feel included.

Now, Cirenworth held the majority of his pleasant memories as this was the place where he had first met his Min-Min.

Kit had never been more sure of anything than his bond with his little sister. She had come into his life unexpectedly and had become an irreplaceable part with her unconditional fondness for him. He was not sure if he was worthy of it but it warmed his heart now, as he looked at his sister trying to tie a bow on Church's tail.

She was assuring the cat in a calm voice " Don't worry !! This is only for today as it is Bapa's birthday " Church seemed to understand her and gave in to her vanity scheme. She tied a bright red bow to the base of the cat's tail with utmost care.

As she was done, she announced enthusiastically " See, you're the prettiest cat in the whole of Devon now " The feline meowed in response, startling Kit, as he had never seen the perennially grumpy cat do such a normal thing since he had known him.

Kit came to his senses as his cellphone chimed. This was his cue to set up the cake and light the candles. He brought the cake out of the fridge and onto the table and lit the candle.

Mina was hovering near the table when he bent down to pick her up in his arms. He could hear voices now outside the door.

The lights were off in the living room and the narrow rays of the setting sun hit the room as the door opened.

As soon as Jem opened the door, Mina started singing " Happy Birthday Bapa ..." in her lovely voice.

Kit too exclaimed " Happy 154th Jem !! " while switching on the lights.

Jem looked awestruck on witnessing Kit and Mina in front of the cake. He smiled when his gaze fell on Church, seated next to the cake with his prominent bow on display.

Tessa came to stand next to him with a proud grin on her face.

Mina gestured to be let down and ran to hug her father. Jem lowered himself and received her kisses and beamed when she wished him " A very happy birthday Bapa !! "

He picked her up while replying " Thank you my little melon " and moved towards the table.

Kit gestured at the carrot cake on the table and said " Hope you like the cake !! Happy Birthday Old Man !! "

Jem ignored the jibe and looked pleasantly surprised at Kit's creation and enveloped him into a hug along with Mina in his arms. " You never cease to amaze me Christopher " he said as he let Kit go with an adoring pat on his head. Kit couldn't help but feel warm towards the former silent brother.

For someone who had a minimal touch with human emotions for more than a century, Jem was an expert in evoking the right ones in others.

Tessa, who had been clicking a picture of the family embrace on her phone, complained of being left out. She came towards Kit and hugged him lovingly. He had never been hugged in such a way before he had met Tessa, at least not any that he had remembered.

It has always been a surprise for him, how warm and protective the gesture was... he had thought this is what a mother's hug must feel like.

Tessa let go of him and whispered " You did a good job my boy !! " and ruffled his hair affectionately... well she tried to...she could reach only the curls on his forehead. He had grown a lot since he had come here and had finally outgrown Jem last summer.

He replied with mock disappointment, " So, I have failed my Herondale ancestors again !! "

" Not a great job but merely a good job... I hope you change your mind once you taste the cake, for my poor heart's sake "

Tessa shook her head while chuckling and handed the knife on the table to Jem " Here you go love, Let's honour our boy's hardwork with no further delay "

Jem proceeded to blow out the candle on the cake but not before looking at the portrait of his parabatai on the wall.

As he cut the cake, Mina belted out the Happy Birthday song perfectly as Kit had taught her, leading to him joining in too.

Jem picked a small piece of the cake and fed it to his daughter, who gobbled it with satisfaction.

Meanwhile, Kit cut another piece from the cake and tried to feed it awkwardly to Jem who looked at him with a content expression. His eyes widened as he ate the cake. He then proclaimed, " I can't believe that I've been blessed today with such a delectable cake. Here Tessa, have some " He fed some to Tessa who looked admiringly at Kit as she chewed on the carrot cake.

Kit was sure they weren't kidding - as one would know if they knew these two - but he was apprehensive as he tried a piece himself. He gasped out loud at the surprising burst of good flavour in his mouth.

Had he found his calling finally ? All this time training to be a shadowhunter and he could have been a baker !!

Tessa looked at him fondly and turned to Jem and said " Of course, it is tasty. Our Kit does everything with no shortage of love and sincerity. Why would this be different? "

She added, " Why don't we take this celebration outside ? The table's already laid out with the food we have bought "

Kit's family then proceeded towards their greenhouse, inside which laid an ornate wooden table, a reminiscent of the era Tessa and Jem had belonged to. He had learnt that this table used to belong to the Herondales when Tessa had been one herself. Will and Tessa would have dined with their children in this table more than a century ago.

Numerous candles adorned the table, burning brightly and casting the reflections of the trees surrounding the table upon the surrounding walls. Through the roof, Kit noticed that the moon was hiding behind the clouds and that the sky had turned darker.

Mina was chattering excitedly to her Bapa about how she had helped Kit with the cake decoration and how her Gē Ge had encouraged her to decorate Church too.

Kit perked up at that ' Now that was TMI; his involvement in this endeavour '. Jem was a calm person, not easy to upset but Kit suspected even he might not be forgiving of any unfair treatment of his precious cat.

So, Kit tried to divert the topic by pointing at the display on the table " Look at the table Min-Min !! Bapa and Mama have brought your favorite orange chicken. Let's split up the contents shall we? "

There were authentic Chinese foods as well as take-outs on the table. They knew Kit used to enjoy such food back in L.A. and have always bought it for him, whenever possible.

Of course, Tessa would never hesitate to open a portal to L.A., to allow him to re-experience the city he grew up in. The only problem was that Kit didn't want to return there himself, too many memories attached to the place, some more painful than the others.

Now, the sole connection he had with the city was the take-out Jem and Tessa bought for him from time to time. Mina had also taken to his favorite food, choosing to eat them along with him.

They took their places on the table, with Mina next to him. She preferred to be fed by Kit, as her little fingers have not been accustomed to chopsticks yet.

Her parents sat across from them with copious amounts of Xiaolongbao - soup dumplings from Jem's birth place, Shanghai - in front of them.

Kit opened up a box of orange chicken and fed the first piece to Mina. She gobbled it up readily.

Since he had come here, he has come to learn that both Jem and Tessa placed his needs before all else. He had thought then that such priority would not exist once their child was born. He had been wrong. They were never discriminative in their affection and care for him. It was evident from the way they seemed to understand that he was hurt in the past and were careful about bringing up the Blackthorns.

Kit had never expected to experience this kind of comfort and feeling of belongingness. In fact, when he moved in with the Carstairs, he was convinced that he would not be allowed to stay if he couldn't reflect Will Herondale in his actions or behaviors. But of course, he had been wrong in that case too.

Now, he concentrated on finishing up the delicious chicken along with his sister and moved on to the dumplings.

The dinner was a silent affair, after which they all huddled together for their night time ritual of listening to Jem play his violin.

Kit had never before been a big fan of classical music or even literature for that matter; both had changed since he had started residing here. He found Jem's music not only beautiful but oddly comforting in the way it brought vivid and pleasant images to his mind.

There was a sense of safety that came over Kit now as he listened with his eyes closed. Mina's warm little fingers were hanging on to his own as she sat on her mother's lap beside him.

They were all sitting under the newly bloomed autumn cherry tree in a corner of their green house. Jem was standing under the tree while playing his violin. This was a fairly familiar site for the residents except that the pink petals falling around him made Jem look like a Shoujo anime protagonist. He definitely looked the part, with his unusual hair: a silver streak in an otherwise black head.

Kit immediately turned to whisper the same to Tessa, who proceeded to giggle not so discreetly. Of course, she understood anime references now, he had spent his time educating both Tessa and Jem on the finer aspects of contemporary media. He had succeeded spectacularly with Tessa - as she had with making him enjoy reading - to the point of her often engaging in passionate discussions with him.

He added to Tessa " What do you think Lily would call him if she witnessed this ? " By then, Jem had finished his piece and was looking at them curiously.

" Definitely Jemmy Blossom " he quipped. She nodded with a conspiratorial grin " Absolutely and she would add ' which I would love to blend in my Sakura tea ' "

Jem sighed hearing that and Kit observed that he had a slight blush in his cheeks. Both Kit and Tessa have been getting better in teasing the shy, 19th century man, with the help of few pointers from Lily Chen herself, the loyal Brother Zachariah enthusiast.

Jem ignored the comment and asked Tessa if she had any requests. She nodded and asked " Will you play ours, Jem ? " He smiled before starting to play again.

A gorgeous melody started, describing a place filled with joy and contentment and interspersed with equal parts melancholy and longing. It portrayed a love story among three souls that were intertwined forever and a bond that transcended time.

Kit had heard this piece numerous times before and knew of its significance. The impact it had on him now was different though. It evoked memories in him, the very ones he tried hard to suppress every day and a longing for a person dearest to him, whom he doubted he would ever meet again.

He felt particularly emotional today, his longing for his former companion from the Los Angeles Institute intensifying, as if someone had tugged the thread that bound him to Ty.

That seemed absurd...

There was nothing between them now nor was it then, not at least from Ty's side.

He was still feeling miserable with his thoughts when Jem finished. So, he decided to stay out for sometime while the others went inside the house.

Mina mumbled " Good night " to him before laying back her head sleepily on her mother's shoulder. Tessa just smiled at him understandingly while Jem gave him a hug before they left for inside.

Kit ventured into the dark, walking with a purpose, towards the garden surrounding their house. It was as familiar to him as the back of his hand. He had spent hours training in these grounds with Jem. He even knew every rock in the foot path; what with him falling on them several times during running or fighting.

He was heading now towards the wooden swing in the east corner of the property. Jem had told him that the Carstairs who lived here in the past had installed it for their children. It was a beautiful bench swing that faced the neighbouring fields.

Kit loved spending his time here, typically at nights when he could star gaze in the clear, rural sky. No one would disturb him here and it had truly become his own spot. He came here whenever he felt overwhelmed and to ruminate on his thoughts.

Tonight, he was thinking about Ty, as usual, missing him.

He felt guilty... he didn't have any right to miss Ty considering he was the one who had left him.

He looked up at the stars- ' Stars ' was one of Ty's comfort words- and smiled. Wonder if he had any new words now?

Kit had learned to control his thoughts regarding Ty to a great extent in his time here - not without difficulty - restricting them to only the times he spent here on this bench.

This was broken when he had met Julian and Emma, when they had visited here during their travel year. It was difficult for Kit to look at Julian without finding a resemblance to Ty.

Emma had hugged him as soon as she saw him and sought assurance of his well being. They both were warm and friendly during their stay.

Thankfully, they hadn't prod him much about his reason for leaving. Maybe, they had just attributed it to the safety concerns over his faerie heritage.

They didn't mention much about Ty either, except that he was at the Scholomance and often sent them letters and postcards.

Well, except when Emma had encountered him alone in the hallway once and said " You know... Ty would love to hear from you " before she was interrupted by Julian calling her.

He hadn't been able to reply " I am not so sure of that ".

Then, there was that time Livvy had come here and he had learnt about the threat to Ty and had given up his mother's heron pendant for his protection.

He wished that he could learn more about Ty's life but he wasn't sure if he would like to hear about it over being present for it. The thought unnerved him.

In his early days at Cirenworth, he was heartbroken and had dreaded his memories of Ty. Now, he still felt a dull pain in his chest when thinking of him but this was mostly due to a sense of yearning rather than regret and pain.

Gradually, his longing for Ty's companionship came to dominate over his guilt and remorse but that didn't mean he didn't feel them anymore. It was just that as time went, he had learnt to pay attention to the good memories over the painful ones, albeit his frequent lapses.

Jem and Tessa's anecdotes about their past had helped a little. Their recollections were always tinted with a wistful but pleasant lens, even their painful memories.

He wanted to reassess his own memories... But even thinking about disentangling his past, left him feeling as if he was running a marathon and hanging onto a cliff's edge at the same time.

He took a deep breath and tried to locate the Orion's belt in the sky to calm himself.

As he focused his eyes upwards, a sudden bright source approached him from his left. He gasped out loud before realizing that it was a fire message.

' Could it be Jace? '

He liked to keep up with Kit as often as he could.

He waited for the blazing message to land on his hand.

Once it settled, he opened up the folded white paper carefully. He saw that it was addressed to him but not to Kit, to Christopher.

The only person that addressed him that way was Jace.

He sighed while muttering " Of course, who else would send me a message? "

But then he noticed that the handwriting was off.

He examined closely at the " Dear Christopher " and realized with a jolt that this was a familiar handwriting, one that he had witnessed in meticulously taken notes : a neatly written, cursive array of words with peculiarly curved 'r's that he could have recognized anywhere.

A distinct one, that belonged to none other than the boy he had spent the most time with at the Los Angeles Institute.... this was a message from Tiberius Blackthorn.

[realmadridfamily]

The year is ending and Pilar Rubio is already preparing Christmas. But they are not the same : certainly she will remember them especially, because for the first time she will celebrate Christmas as a wife. On June 15, 2019 she said "yes, I want" to the captain of Real Madrid and the Spanish National Team, Sergio Ramos, father of their three children: Sergio Junior, Marco and Alejandro. Woman of bewitching, Pilar says that 2019 has been a full year for her and her family and, with optimism and energy, she is already prepared to put the right foot in the new year, that 2020 would smile again or more. "Year 2019 was a very good year for me, both personal and professional, and I hope 2020 will be the same" - says a popular presenter who poses with wonderful dresses for this Christmas.

Pilar, how did you plan this Christmas? You know what's going on, I used to plan Christmas thinking about myself, but not now. Now I'm just thinking about my children. Everything changes with three little children, right? Of course! Earlier I used Christmas to go somewhere. It was when I could take a week off. However, now I only think about plans with my children. Remember that Christmas is really created for children. They are those who, with their innocence, enjoy everything that happens and live it more intensely. I will try to do with mine a lot of things and escape in cultural plan in Madrid. For example? I will use the days we spend in Madrid to visit museums or take them to the theater, which I try to do practically every weekend. I also want to see Christmas lights, especially in Torrejón. I am from there and Christmas atmosphere is amazing there. In addition to many activities for children, lighting is great. I don't know if we're lucky enough to go outside for a few days, so I don't know where we would go. What is the most beautiful memory you have? When I was a child, there was always a day when the Three Kings arrived and left us presents. I was amazed when I got up, and checked if they ate the cookies I left, and if the camels drank milk. I couldn't believe it! I always said "How could they go through the window of my room if they didn't fit?". What has changed during Christmas since you were a mother? As I said, I focus everything on my children and care less about me. It's another way of living them. Make a small balance of the year that ends. What was the best thing that happened to you during 2019? This year had special and unique moments such as our wedding. And I'm lucky to continue the same, personally and professionally, and enjoy both inside and outside the house. Here is what I am asking for in the new year: to continue this, enjoying work and health. I look like a talking mother, huh? Well ... this is who you are. I am, but I don't feel this way, with this role of mother: "dress warmly because you will catch a cold!" and similar things. Do you remember the moment when Sergio asked you to marry him? It was a night I didn't expect. Because we have somewhat chaotic daily plan, he just told me: "Don't do anything on the 19th of May, because after eight o'clock we have a reservation". When that day came, we parked in a place I already knew. It was in front of the club where we sometimes go with friends. On this occasion it changed that only he and I were there. It was a very romantic dinner, but I didn't think that Sergio would propose to me. I was completely surprised when, at dessert, they appeared with a shell. When I opened it, I found a proposal. Sergio is, in the end, a romantic. Oh yes! Every day since he wakes up. Really? Well ... no. We are both retailers, but not every day. We try to make it happen not only on the dates indicated. I like the surprise factor that on a day you don't expect, he will appear with a romantic letter or a special plan. How has your relationship changed since the children appeared? Well, you have to spend more time when you have less. I noticed this difference and even felt a little tired of the child, which I have three. The time I have to devote to them is the same, the day lasts forty-eight hours. It's still twenty-four hours and you must divide this time equally. My feeling is "Oh ... I don't want to attend to one and disregard another". Sometimes it overwhelms me that I want to be with all three at the same time and I want to take care of them at the same time, so that none of them is missing anything. Who needs more attention? All three. And because they have a different age, each in their own way. The smallest, which is obvious, needs more attention at the level of primary care, you need to feed him, bathe, dress him up etc. In turn, his older brothers want to go outside, want to have fun. In fact, I think that work is more sacrificed, because I don't like to leave them at home all day watching TV. I'm inventing activities all day and I even record movies for the days we can't go out because it's cold. Your life is a little crazy, isn't it? Because I see that you are the one who you drive a car. No, no! Each of us, when we are at home, tries to spend as much time as possible with children. How is your day? My everyday life is getting up, training and after finishing I train for the next challenge in El Hormiguero, record some advertising, if I have it, generate content for my social media (@pilarrubio_oficial) or take part in the event. When I'm done, I go home and try to be with my children. There are times, when it's different, because my days are not the same. You don't have a routine? No, because in the morning, as soon as I get up, the first thing I do is look after children. I organize them and prepare breakfast to send them to school. When I do this, I start training, but sometimes I don't have time for it. I will tell you a few words and you will tell me what comes to your mind when you hear them. Family. Love. Job. Satisfaction. Complications. Calm. Happiness. Everything. What comes to your mind when you hear "Sergio"? Well ... I'd say it's love. To love someone you have to admire him? It's not that you have to admire someone, but respect him and find things that complement you. I guess in the relationship with Sergio there will be good and bad times. What is the secret of success? Fortunately, Sergio and I get along very well and we usually don't argue about anything. Only when I turn on the reggaeton (laughs). I really can't complain about issues regarding children and home matters. We always agree and we have no problems. What is your best virtue? I don't know ... Maybe I'm always trying to give my best. And your worst default? Well, sometimes I don't have much patience, even with myself. I am very impatient. What motivates you or who motivates you every day? Obviously, my children. In general, my family is the driving force of my life and makes me wake up happy and happy every day. They also motivate me to continue working on what I like after twenty-four years. Pilar, you are always on the list of the most beautiful and sexiest women. What or who makes you stand on earth? I never attached that importance. There is always someone better or worse than you. It doesn't make me feel good at forty-one. There are more important things and I have different values. I like to take care of myself, but I don't feel better or worse because one day they call me the most or the least beautiful. How do you see yourself in five years? I hope, like now, with my children, with my husband and with my work. I'm already telling you that few things could change. I would like to be able to extend the days, but because it's not in my hands, I think the rest is perfect. How would you define each of your children? Sergio, the oldest, is very sensitive. He's like magic, he has a special aura. Marco is very independent and I can't define Alejandro's personality yet, but I think he will dominate the other two, he is like a survivor. What is your favorite plan with them? I like to take them to the theater and they love going to the cinema, concerts ... What is the moment of greatest peace in your home with three children? When all three sleep (laughs), but I like it. I lie in bed with them many times and fall down earlier. With four men at home, what would a girl's arrival mean to you? To be honest, if I got pregnant again, I don't care if it was another boy. I wouldn't mind having another one. But if it was a girl, it would be fun. How would you define yourself as a mother? Well I don't know. I think that sometimes I'm too demanding in terms of food and I try to make the time spent with them quite productive and learn from everything. My mission as a mother is to stimulate them and let them make the most of all their possibilities. Looking ahead, what is overwhelming or worries you most about your children? I hope they will be in a healthy environment because I can't control them outside the home as inside. And that they will value and respect everyone. It's not about giving them everything they want and when they want. If they do something right, they will have it. Being children of a TV presenter and a football player, how do they deal with fame? They don't realize that what dad and mom do is different from others, they don't talk about it at school. They understand that their parents go to television, but it doesn't matter much to them. What makes you lose patience with them? They eat very slowly. You can't waste an hour eating. It's two dishes and dessert and it takes them more time. And when they don't want to eat, I have to negotiate. I became an expert. You said you were very maniacal with food, in what sense? I like to know the origin of food and control the meals so that they are balanced. In fact, I talk a lot with my dietitian to control this problem, trying to make everything organic and not undergo ultra-processing. I also try to take care of everything I can. Not always, because with this job, if you're out, it's a bit more complicated, but the better you eat, the more consciously you think. I see that you are the captain at home? No! At home, we're both of them. One day a journalist asked me if Sergio is helping me with children and this is a macho approach. We divide the work as much as possible. When you have a problem, who is the first person you call? My mother. Considering everything you have fought and fight every day in your work, do you dislike being linked to Sergio Ramos? I have never heard that. First of all, because we met seven years ago and I have been working for twenty-four years. What sport do you like most? The «kickboxing» which is what I practice. Are you afraid of getting old? The turn of the years is quite positive because all you gain is experience and you know how to face the world and matters better. You take it all with more peace and confidence. Physically, you are not obsessed about wrinkles and stuff, right? No, because they didn't come out. I don't think about it because I train, I take care of myself and I didn't notice a brutal physical change, which doesn't mean that maybe in five years they will show up. What is the dream of your life that you have not yet realized? Well, I still haven't met Mick Jagger. The rest are things I have not been able to do, but I will do them. And if you could have a superpower, what would it be? To be invisible. I would love to! I could be anywhere and find out everything. Professionally, what are your plans? I will continue the adventure with "El Hormiguero". I am very focused on this. Because Alejandro is so small, I don't want to take a job that forces me to spend my days away from home, as before. Are you still with fashion and design? Yes, but I do everything in small doses, because Alejandro absorbs me. In a few months there will be a collection that I designed, but I can't say anything yet. I am still connected to this world because I love it.

[brendzybee]

10pm (Part II)

10pm (Part II)

pairing: im changkyun x reader words: 3,580 genre: angst, angst, angst ??? I tried ahahah warnings: none rate: g summary: The moment he realized he had taken you for granted was the moment you walk away from his life.

10PM (Part I)

A/N : Oh haii, so I just happened to make a part II of this , just finished my final exam and now bored waiting for my brother to pick me up from school T_T. Enjoyyy <3 Changkyun’s POV

           11pm, Saturday, I’m currently at Jooheon’s place together with the guys, everyone were silent for a moment but Minhyuk decided to kill the silence and suggested to have a beer. Jooheon and Wonho cheered and the rest just agreed about it, while for me I think I needed few cans of it. My mind is floating, y/n’s face is still very clear in my head. Right now I’m contemplating how will I text her, or should I call her. I know it should be the best thing that I should do, but I can’t seem to have the courage to do so. This feeling of guilt is just so new to me, I’ve been holding my phone for a while waiting for her to text me how angry she was, how she hates me. I think that would be better than not getting any, it seriously makes me anxious.

“So Changkyun what are you gonna do about it?” Shownu asked after taking the last gulp from his can before tossing it to the bin. I just shrug taking a sip from my can as well.

“You know what? Given y/n’s attitude I think she will just sleep her anger away and be after you again the next day.” Minhyuk said while munching his pizza.

“Me too, me too, y/n is sure to be head over heels with you Kkung.” Jooheon seconded nudging me in the shoulder.

“It’s hard to be really handsome.” Wonho stated before laughing. They are having fun with their conversation when Kihyun harshly slam the can on the table. He’s been grumpy the whole time but this no longer surprise everyone since Kihyun’s reaction over things is always different from the rest. He has always been the mother of the group, in the sense of nagging about everything, think he is the only one who is rational. Well there are times that he really is the most rational.  

“That’s my point Changkyun-ah, haven’t you realized it by now? Y/n likes you a lot, for the longest time now and what did you do? You’ve taken her for granted.” He said raising his voice, obviously mad as he finally voiced out his frustration and here I am, I can’t even answer back. I felt guilty and stupid enough.

“Kihyun-ah stop acting like a girl, just drink already. It was our idea Changkyun was just dragged with us.” Wonho said rubbing Kihyun’s back trying to calm him.

“Yes hyung, yes on Monday I will go to y/n and explain everything to her, I’ll take all the blame. Please don’t kill the fun now.” Jooheon said while making cute faces trying to make Kihyun laugh.

“Tsk, you two! Remember what I’ve told you, you will both regret this, I know right now you won’t understand, I just hope you won’t taste your own medicine.” Kihyun said slapping Jooheon’s face away while Wonho laugh loudly.

“HA! As if I would ever fall in love. There are so many girls out there lining up for me.” He added finishing the content of his can.  

           Sunday was torture, it’s the longest Sunday I ever had. I finally texted y/n that I was really sorry and told her I would buy her whatever desserts she likes. I even texted her that I would go to the amusement park with her but she didn’t reply any of it. She won’t answer my calls as well. As much as I hate to admit it, it feels a little weird not receiving lots of messages from her. Or was I just so used always getting flooded with messages and whatever from her. My phone feels a little lonely and boring since it’s so silent. It’s already past dinner yet I still have full battery, my phone battery doesn’t usually last this long because of receiving lots of notifications from her. From random text, chat and just what so ever.  I remember her sending me pictures of cute cats she wants to pet but obliviously can’t since she’s allergic to it. And also her sending me pictures of cactus, saying she wanted to pet it since she doesn’t need to water it every day. Y/n seriously needs to grow up. I suddenly question what I was doing realizing, I’m scrolling up her chatbox.

           Monday morning, I woke up extra early so I could go to her house and pick her up for school. I’m sure she will play sulky for a moment but will surely talk to me after few minutes. Especially now I prepared bribery for her, I bought her favorite strawberry milkshake. Well I’m not sure if she likes having it early in the morning, but she usually likes everything that I gave her. As what I’ve remembered I usually give her snacks, since she likes eating a lot and I just honestly don’t know what else does she like aside from food.  I didn’t text her that I’ll be picking her up early, I’m thinking of just waiting for her to come out so we could go to school together. But it’s almost 8am and she ain’t around yet, I was about to walk in when I saw her brother, he greeted me good morning with a confused tone. “I thought, y/n informed you to just meet in school since she had a sleep over at  Eun Hae’s (ur bff’s name) place since they have this morning activity with their groupmates.” Her brother stated that got me confused to, I don’t remember her saying any of that. “Aww, I didn’t know that was today, I might just have missed the dates. Thanks Hyung.” I just ended up saying before bidding him goodbye.

           The entire day at school feels a little unusual, I can’t find y/n in the place she usually stay or walk by. She used to always visit and stay in the bench where I and my friends stay, I didn’t see her at the cafeteria today as well. I wonder if she had eaten her lunch. “Looking for someone?” Wonho laughed while nudging me as he placed his food on the table. “Yeah, it feels new not seeing y/n around.” Jooheon seconded with a fake pout. “You think, she’s really serious about giving up on Changkyun this time?” Minhyuk asked in wonder. That also got me wondering if she’s really going to give up for real this time. I don’t know why but I felt a pang of pain in my chest hearing that, it felt empty. I know it’s really wrong and selfish but I wish she won’t seriously give up on me yet. Feeling slightly threatened with the possibilities, I texted her again. A long and sincere one.  Telling her how sorry I was and I really wanted to talk to her personally. It was around 3pm, in the middle of my last class when I finally got a reply from her. She agreed to just talk on our way home, and hell yeah it’s one of the new feelings I’ve been having lately, I’m nervous to see her, I’ve been contemplating what will I say to her.  Y/n what have I done and what should I do?   Y/n’s POV

            You felt really sick the entire weekend, crying over and telling Eunhae about everything that happened. Eunhae was so mad about everyone and in the midst of all that happened she didn’t say much, she was just there and listened to you all the way. You are really thankful you have your only best friend, if not you have no idea how you will be able to act as if nothing happened at home. Your family is really close to each other and talking about your feelings for Changkyun is a normal topic at home and of course your mom will openly talk about it to Changkyun’s mom. That’s how twisted everything is, and this time you don’t want anything of that. You felt really bad already and as much as possible you don’t want anyone to know about it, specially both of your families.  

           You were having stages of grief over your lost love. That Saturday night you were so angry and mad at Changkyun, you seriously want to slap him and his friends. How dare they made fun of you. But later on, you’re a crying mess, realizing your worth in Changkyun’s heart. By this time you are really sure that he doesn’t really feel anything for you, because if he does he will never toy with you, he will never toy with your feelings. He will never let his friends make fun of you. You’re used to him being mean and cold to you, that hurts a lot but that is somewhat better. At least he isn’t lying, at least he wasn’t leading you on. But this time it’s different, it’s the first time he toyed with your feelings like this, you were so happy and excited to just let your heart break. Changkyun is really your first love and also your first heart break.

           You promised to yourself before that you will never give up on him. You promised to yourself before that you will be with him and fight for him as long as he doesn’t have anyone yet. But now you realized how pathetic that promise was. You realized it’s not Changkyun’s fault alone, it’s yours as well. You’ve been forcing your feelings for him, you’ve been fooling yourself that there is a possibility of you and him. You live in your own bubble, pretending you don’t know his feelings, denying the fact that he doesn’t really liked you from the start. You always make his small gesture matter, making it a big deal to feed your own satisfaction when in fact it doesn’t really meant anything. Now you’re not just crying because he toyed with your feelings, now you’re also crying because you finally accepted the reality that nothing is really left for you and him. It’s so painful that it’s hard to breathe and cry at the same time. Words are not even enough to express the pain you are feeling right now. You are torn between missing him and the imagination of him missing you as well, but you know it’s not the real thing. Plus remembering you words at the restaurant, your pride won’t allow you to make your words into nothing.  Yes, you admit that you can really be bratty and childish at times, prideful and unforgiving as well. Changkyun knew that very well, but still he decided to hurt you that way.

           “ Don’t worry this will be the last time. I’ll stop fighting for your attention, I’ll stop texting you, I’ll stop going to your profile and getting jealous over other girls you are friendly with, I’ll stop trying making you fall for me. Please help me, and please stay away from me.”               it’s not the first time you’ve said that you’re giving up on him. But this time you’re so determined to stick to your words, you’re so hurt and tired to go after a love only you wants in the very first place.

           Monday as much as you don’t want to go to school, you don’t have a choice. It’s better to be busy at school than to mourn at your best friend’s house. You purposely made yourself really busy, volunteering to do tasks that’s not even yours. It may sound that you are avoiding him but yeah it’s really true, you don’t want to see him. Seeing him might change the decision you made over night , and you’re still so hurt to see him as well. You read his text, saying sorry as if what he did was nothing serious. He even offered to buy you anything or go with you anywhere, if it was some other time you would feel really happy about it, but this time you felt really annoyed reading it. You’re not in the mood to entertain butterfly in your stomach.  Changkyun can really be stupid at times.

           It was 2:30 in the afternoon, it was your break and you made used of it to just buy snacks you can eat on the way to the auditorium. And that’s the time you saw Changkyun’s bestfriend Jooheon walking his way towards you.  He called your attention and jogged to your place as he noticed you walking away from him. “Y/n wait” He panted while holding your wrist. “What do you want Jooheon?” You asked directly , sounding pissed.  “Y/n I’m really sorry okay? It was mine and Wonho hyung’s fault. Changkyun really doesn’t have any idea that we would be there. Y/n please.” Jooheon pleaded naturally like its no big deal. “Did Changkyun asked you to do this?” You asked  and Jooheon instantly deny it and started explaining everything that happened during that time. Saying it was his and Wonho’s idea, he was the one holding Changkyun’s phone, saying he was the one who insisted the bet. Saying Changkyun was just forced to go along to the idea of testing me.

           Hearing about him wanting to test your feelings really hurt you. Was your effort not enough? Was the way you’re expressing your feelings not enough? You are a woman too, You wished to experience someone who will sincerely like you and go after you. Someone that would make your heart flutter over trivial stuffs such as text, flowers, effort and time. But you have given up all of that because of Changkyun, because you know he will never do that for you.  

             3pm, you received another text from him, he was apologizing again and asking you if you could talk. “Fine, let’s talk.”  You texted him back as you wipe your tears walking your way to the auditorium.

 4:30pm the talk in the auditorium was over already, you didn’t even know what the hell they are talking about inside. You were so busy contemplating your emotions , your mind is flying somewhere. Thinking of possible scenarios how to make Changkyun regret for what he did, you’re thinking of how to get back at him and at least hurt him the way he has hurted you or at least make him a little sad as well, it’s not fair that it’s only you who’s suffering. You took a deep breath, counting 1-10 to composure yourself and act as cold as possible as you walk going to the car park.  You saw him standing there, his back leaning on the door frame of his car. Damn it, here goes your heart getting excited in an appropriate time again. You stand there and tried to calm yourself , remembering the things that hurts you, thinking the guy you hurt you , the guy who toy with your feelings is just there standing in front of you. And as if in cue, Changkyun turned to your direction and saw you. Not unlike his usual self, he doesn’t look as confident as he used to be, he looked anxious, well this is new. Reminds you of what happened, now it starts clouding in your chest, its heavy and suffocating. You got inside the car without greeting him anyway.  “You wanna go somewhere….I mean is there a place you wanted to go so we could talk?”  Changkyun carefully asked while turning the engine on. “No, let’s just talk here.” You stated as cold as possible, you can feel how tensed he was as he turned the engine off and sit up properly after letting out a deep breath, how the shortest time you are together this afternoon you can’t count already how many deep breath and sighs coming from him. “You can start reciting your lies now, so we could finish this talk early.” You said feeling proud of yourself as you voice didn’t crack.  You saw him sighed and turned to face you. “Look Y/n, I know you’re still so mad or even hated me right now but still I want to tell you I’m really sorry for what happened. I felt so bad about it too, I hated myself for making it happen too. But please hear me out.” You sighed hearing him, fisting your palm trying your best to control your emotions, trying your best to stop the tears from spilling from your eyes. “It may sound that I’m just justifying myself but I don’t really have any idea that they’re going to be there. I really had the intention to be there with you. They told me that we’re just going to make you wait a little, I agreed because they keep on teasing me and I was a little curious too, I know that was stupid. But as I was thinking, you won’t notice it anyway since you were so busy chatting with the waiter friend of yours, I thought it wouldn’t matter much as well. Just enough for them to go away, but everything just went out of hand.” He paused looking at you, trying to wait for your response but you decided to stay silent and not say anything. “You have all the right to hate me for making you wait that long. And about what you said that night, Y/n I didn’t do it because I hated you. I may not like it when people and our family go before me and pushed me to be with you and reciprocate your feelings but I never hated you for that. It may be really easy for you to express how you feel for me but that does not work for me Y/n. You know I’m not as expressive as you are, I’m not as sociable as you are, I enjoy my peace and privacy. I just simply didn’t like it, that’s why I easily get annoyed and frustrated every time they tease me with you. Maybe that’s the reason why I wasn’t able to stop them from betting that night. I know it’s stupid, but I didn’t mean to hurt you that night.” He said, brushing his fingers in his hair in frustration. This time you were unable to stop your tears from streaming, everything just came back to your mind as if everything happened at the moment, you’re no longer mad , just hurt about the reality that he’s talking about.  

“I know, Jooheon told me everything already.” You started with your head low not even giving him a look. “I don’t know what more about my feelings you wanted to test more. Are my efforts not enough? I don’t know why I’m getting so worked up over it, it’s just waiting. Changkyun I can wait for you for how long, I’ve waited for you for the longest time already. How much more just 5pm to 10pm, that should be nothing. Changkyun I really like you, No, I really love you, did you think that’s really easy for me to say? I’m hesitating as well, I’m hesitating every time I get rejected because of your cold treatment and constantly pushing me away. Did you think I don’t get nervous all the time I’m with you, especially when your friends are around? It’s the time where you’re colder and meaner than usual btw. But did you heard me complained about that, did I hated you for that? Changkyun I didn’t because I wanted this in the first place. I can’t even hate you after what you did that night. You know what’s hurting me more this time? Giving up the feelings I had for you for a very long time. My feelings are becoming clearer I’m falling really hard for you and this onesided love is getting a little toxic in my heart.” You closed your eyes fervently, taking a deep breath afraid of what he might say. You heard him sigh once more unable to collect his words. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know, I – I don’t know what to say Y/n.” Was the only words he came up to, it hurts but you actually felt lighter than yesterday. Confessing him everything you’re bottling up to, actually made it a little better. “It’s okay, I doesn’t matter anymore. It’ll be fine, It’ll forget about it in few days. I also wanted to tell you without sounding awkward, It might be childish but Changkyun you were my first love, I’ll stop there I’ve confessed too much already.” You faked a laugh before continuing.  “ Just give me due time and I’ll be back being that annoying little girl who follows you and your brother around when we were kids.” You smiled sincerely thinking about the old times, as you gather all your force to open the door. “Where are you going?” He asked holding your wrist. “I promised Eunhae, I’ll go home with her.” The last thing you said before stepping out of his car. A/N: WAAAAAHHHH I don’t know what going on there mwahhaahah @_@  Forgive me for I just write what ever that comes to my mind. I didn’t review and reread this btw , so forgive me as well for the lapses. Huhuhu  I’d love to hear from you guys. <3   

[emmaswanchoosesyou]

CSBB: Part of the Narrative (12/17)

Emma Swan just wants to write the follow-up to her bestselling debut novel, that’s all. But when she gets off to a rough start with her new editor, Killian Jones, she knows it’s not going according to plan. Then, an unexpected figure from Emma’s past reappears and life begins to mirror the crime thriller she’s penning. Suspicion and secrets abound–but love might too. A writer/editor AU with a thriller twist.

Rated E. Includes sexual content, kidnapping, some gore, mild violence, and minor character death–not to mention salty language! On Ao3 here.

Chapter warnings: Confrontations, one main character striking another, lots of swearing, and a thing at the end

Buckle up, pals, shit’s getting real! Thank you so much to all of you who have been reading and commenting and waiting for things to get here, and to all of you who helped me get here. Thank you to all the wonderful ladies at @captainswanbigbang for all you’ve done to make this possible, and all the support you’ve given. Sophie @shady-swan-jones made the delightful banner and another photoset that I adore. Kayla @bleebug did some incredible art for the first and sixth chapters, which you can check out here and here. And all the love and thanks to Kris @sambethe for beta-ing this and making it a ton better. Like seriously, she’s the best.

[Ch. 1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11]

Chapter 12

Emma grapples with Killian's betrayal. She gets a lot of writing done, and she and Henry talk on the phone every day, but something is missing. They're on their way to reforging their broken relationship when the unthinkable happens.

Emma, a few days before upon discovering Killian’s and August’s involvement

Emma couldn’t remember the last time she’d been so livid. She was furious, so angry she was red and almost crackling with it.

Cleo held her back, tried to keep her from rushing right over to Killian's and punching him in the face. And then going to August and punching him twice. "Emma, think about it. Be smart, and don't let your anger get the best of you."

"Oh, they'll get the best of me. The best of my right hook," she growled, settling back into her couch.

Cleo snorted but shook her head. "Do you have any alcohol in here?"

She nodded. "Yeah. Let me get us some," she said, reaching for the whiskey and pouring generous portions for the two of them.

"After this...do you want me to give you a lift anywhere? Or do you want to talk about it?"

Grimacing, she shook her head. "No offense, Cleo, but the last thing I want to do is talk about my feelings right now."

"Understood."

&&&

Cleo left after an hour or so, during which time they polished off their drinks in near-silence, broken only infrequently when Emma had a question or Cleo remembered something pertinent.

Mindful of the alcohol she had consumed, Emma called a cab over to Killian's. She was still in a rage, still shaking, but she needed to talk, to yell, to see if he had any defense at all.

She pounded at the door. When Killian opened it with a smile and the tantalizing scent of pasta reached her nose, her resolve weakened for a second. Until he opened his mouth like nothing had happened, like he hadn't been lying to her for at least two months--

Her vision went red, and she slapped him. She felt a pang of guilt at that, but wrapped her anger around her like armor.

Killian implored her to stop, asking her what had happened, and the concern on his face made her even angrier. How dare he get to act like he hadn't done anything, like she was being irrational...

She stepped out of range of his grasp, not wanting his touch to weaken her, to tempt her to put this behind them. Emma waited until he closed the door before gritting out, "You were spying on me? What the hell, Killian? For August? What the actual fuck?"

She watched the color drain from his face, watched the guilt fall onto his shoulders and weigh him down. Mixed with the satisfaction of being right was the sharp sting of betrayal, the hurt of her trust in him being broken .

"I--wha--how did you find out?" Killian asked.

That now all-too-familiar rage settled about her again. "That's really what you want to know? How I found out?"

Killian reached for her again, and she pushed his hand away. Not forcefully, but she was still far too angry for the comfort of his arms.

He sighed.  "I suppose that's not what matters now. I am sorry, though, I want you to know. I quit, I told August before our first date that I wouldn't continue to spy on you."

"Just...why? Why would you do that? Betray my trust like that?" Her voice broke, and this time her anger was for herself, for showing that he'd gotten under her skin.

"I...it was selfish, and wrong. I was trying to get away from a bad situation in London, and August offered me an out in exchange for my work and information on you. I didn't ask why, and he never volunteered a reason."

To her shame, she felt tears welling up, and she pushed them away as he continued to speak. "I stopped early on. I--I didn't count on you, Emma. You should know that. You swept through my life. You captivated me, mind, soul, and heart. I wouldn't--I can't begin to convey how sorry I am, but I also promise that I'd never hurt you or betray you again."

She drew in a deep breath, his declaration overwhelming her. It was like a punch to the gut, and she knew what she had to do. She could feel her heart breaking. She hadn't meant to get so attached so quickly, but--well, she didn't have a choice about it now, not if she wanted to remain true to herself, to do what was best for her. "Too late," she said. "I--I can't trust you anymore. You lied to me, and that--that's it for me."

He pleaded with her, and she tried to pull herself together as she assured Killian they'd still be able to work together as professionals.

As soon as she was done talking, Emma felt exhaustion creep over her, leaving her more emotionally drained than she'd been in years. She felt like someone had put her through the pasta machine sitting on Killian's counter, and she needed to leave. Now.

"Goodbye," she whispered, trying not to think about the devastated look on his face, or that she was leaving half her heart there with him.

&&&

The next week passed in a sort of fog, nestled between generous servings of ice cream and deliveries from Granny's. ("No, this isn't a thing we do for most customers," said Ruby, "but you're family so you get the onion rings with less effort and only a little colder than they'd be in the diner.")

Emma missed Killian more than she could have possibly imagined. She had been falling for him, that much was obvious. But beyond that, she hadn't realized how much of a friend he'd become. Somehow, he'd become the person she texted with weird things from her day or the bizarre writing thoughts she had. And she missed Killian texting her encouragement or pictures of cute animals. Or his thoughts about prominent literary figures and what kind of pajamas they probably wore.

At least she had Henry. Regina seemed to have found out that something had happened between her and Killian, and seemed more tolerant of the increasing frequency of calls between her and Henry. Finally, she even relented and consented to Henry spending a weekend with Emma.

She embraced the joy of having something positive to plan. There was relief too, that his visit in two weeks would keep her from moping. It wasn't a distraction, per se--how could her son ever be a distraction--but it kept her busy.

Emma was keen to introduce Henry to all her favorite Boston haunts, all the ones he'd be allowed into, that is. Until one day when she was talking about yet another thing she wanted to do, just one more museum she wanted to pack into his visit--

"Emma--Mom--you know I'll be just as happy if we don't do anything, right? Like, we can just watch movies and read comics and hang out. There'll be other weekends," Henry told her.

She let out a sigh of relief even as she felt a pang of disappointment. "Okay, kid. We can do that. Is Mario Kart still a thing, or...?"

He laughed, but they agreed, and she smiled, thinking about all that the weekend would bring.

Cleo was a big help, too. She invited Emma over for dinner with her husband and daughter, and she gratefully accepted, even if she did worry that it would be a little awkward.

It wasn't until she got an official email from Mills & Booth talking about the possibility of Killian being sent back to the UK--deported, and the necessity of having a meeting about the situation, that she really started to grapple with the new reality of her life and how awkward it could be. She had actually gotten some writing done during the week, and had sent it to Killian. Her tone had been professional, and she'd done her best to keep any sort of emotions out of the two emails she sent him. But it was her dinner at the Foxes' that brought things into focus. The meal had been pleasant enough, but it was obvious to all of them that Cleo had a lot on her mind.

Finally, during dessert, Cleo blurted out, "It's Killian. Apparently he's being deported. Immigration seems to have suddenly and 'randomly' found some mistakes in his paperwork."

Emma paled, her stomach dropping out from under her.

Just...no.

She might not be able to handle having Killian in her life romantically anymore, but the idea of him being gone, across the ocean? Forever? It was unthinkable.

She was barely aware of responding, but judging by the concern on Cleo's and Alex's faces, she had managed to say something. Then, bless her, Cleo told her that she was dragging her along to the meeting they were going to have about it at Mills & Booth.

&&&

She was distracted when he came into the room, too wrapped up in worry that Killian might leave permanently to actually notice him coming into the room. It wasn’t until he joined them on the couch that Emma started in surprise, but quickly schooled her features into something more neutral. She held her breath, waiting to see how the meeting, and Killian’s future here, might unfold.

Killian greeted the room awkwardly, and Regina was all business as they began. Cleo looked wary, and August had that punchable, smug look on his face. Though that faded as soon as Regina mentioned that a stay had been granted on Killian’s deportation.

Emma let out a sigh of relief and looked up, surprised. She hadn’t had a clue that Regina or Cleo were on top of this, at least not beyond knowing about it. She zoned out, only coming back when she heard August speaking. "First, I think we should really take a look at why Killian is here, and what he brings to the table. It might be easier to help you find a job back in the UK and just go with an American editor, or at least someone whose papers are in order."

"No!" Emma exclaimed, and everyone turned to look at her, with varying degrees of surprise on their faces

Killian’s face was a study in gratitude, and she had to look away. Instead, she stared August down. "No. Killian isn't replaceable. He's been a great editor, and his help and input have been invaluable. Changing editors at this juncture would have a very negative effect on the quality of my book, which I think we can all agree would be a bad thing."

"Are you sure you're not allowing your personal attachments to cloud your judgment, Miss Swan?" Regina asked.

"I am," she said, managing to keep her voice even as her heart twisted, "given that we've ended our personal association."

It was only then that she realized that maybe Regina hadn’t known before, if her raised eyebrow was any indication, but she seemed to like Emma more for defending Killian given their situation. Her expression warmed, sympathy glinting in her eyes. "Very well. So we can all agree that Mr. Jones is important for this novel--"

"--but we need to figure out whether his work on other projects is up to par. Otherwise, why bother with anything other than telecommuting?" August intejected.

Emma rolled her eyes so hard it hurt.

She clearly wasn’t the only one annoyed, since Regina’s scathing reply had him blushing. He recovered quickly, though. "I'm just trying to do what's best for Mills & Booth, and that includes maintaining a team that can work smoothly together. Is that really happening?"

"Yes," Emma said fiercely. It might not be entirely accurate at the moment, but she and Killian would get there. Hopefully.

But August didn’t look quelled, even through the subsequent exchanges. The reason for that became abundantly clear when the door burst open and Cora Mills strode in, poor Ariel trailing behind and desperately trying to stop her.

Cora Mills--Regina’s mother and the founder of Royal Hearts Publishing--was here. Regina didn’t look thrilled, but then, the feud between them--apparently related to Regina’s less-than-advantageous marriage--was well known in their circles. No one did, except perhaps for August.

The silence in the room stretched on before Cora finally broke it. "Hello, Regina. Your office is lovely, even if this is quite the collection of...professionals in it. Between the one in trouble with Immigration, the glorified beat cop, and the felon, I'm actually impressed Mills & Booth hasn't imploded already."

Emma felt her cheeks heat and rage pulse through her veins at the dig on her and the people she cared for. She leapt up from the couch, ready to fucking tackle Cora. Killian held her back, and Cora smirked. "I'd expect nothing less from an orphan of unknown parentage with a rap sheet.”

When Killian let her go so they could both fight her, Cleo was the only thing holding them back.

Then Regina spoke from where she’d made her way to the center of the room to stand in front of Cora. "Mother, what do you want? Or did you just come here to insult me and mine?"

"No, I came here with a proposition. Regina--and August, you both know very well I have plenty of contacts that could help fix Mr. Jones' little tiff with the authorities. And I'd gladly help promote Miss Swan's nove, if that's something you think is a worth cause," she said.

"But what do get out of it? I've never known you to do a damn thing for free," Regina said, looking more peeved than intrigued.

Cora replied, "I don't want anything but time with you, Regina. I've loathed being so cut off from my only child."

"How sentimental of you, and it might be more believable if I hadn't just seen a plan Mr. Booth drew up granting you shares in Mills & Booth."

Emma gasped and so did Killian, both of them shocked by this revelation.

Cora briefly tried to defend herself, but Regina told her to leave, clearly unconvinced by her mother’s motives. "Get out," she said. "And if you would kindly refrain from insulting my colleagues or bullying my assistant while you're on your way out, I'd appreciate it."

As soon as she left, they were quiet for a moment until Regina affirmed their commitment to getting Killian out of his immigration situation. They all nodded, except for August, who wasn’t meeting the glare Regina directed at him with one of his own.

They all left the room, one by one, not speaking to each other. Emma was aghast, floored at the entire meeting, but especially at the revelation that August was causing even more trouble than she’d realized.

&&&

Muttering to herself, she read from her screen. “Jacob looked from one side to the other, frantically trying to clear his head. But if his foster mother wasn’t responsible for taking him away… who was?”

Emma looked up from her laptop and pushed her glasses back up the bridge of her nose. She reached for the coffee mug sitting on the side table as she pondered her next move. She had realized, much to her chagrin, that her original plan for the antagonist wasn’t as well-developed as she would have liked. It couldn’t be the foster mother--after developing the character, she just knew it wouldn’t work.

The leather of her chair creaked as she shifted, brow furrowed in thought. She had to think of something, but she was just so… stuck. Writer’s block was the worst.

She was interrupted from her “research,” which totally wasn’t going to be her perusing the Crate & Barrel website for hours, by a knock on her door. Puzzled by who it could be, she went to answer it. Through the peephole, she saw a deliveryman standing there with a bouquet.

“Emma Swan?” he asked as she opened the door.

“Uh, yeah,” she replied, gobsmacked by the arrangement of lilies and peonies that he hurriedly deposited in her arms before scurrying away. “Thanks, I guess?”

She took it inside and pried open the accompanying note.

Dearest Emma,

I cannot thank you enough for your supportive words during that hellish meeting. I know you're not particularly fond of me at present, and I don't blame you for that, but words cannot express how grateful I am that you stood up for me and my job.

I don't know what August's game or plan is, or how you want to handle it, but I'd like you to know that from here on out I am 100% on board with whatever you would like to do. If you decide you don't want to act, that's fine. If you decide you want to look into August's behaviour and reasons for spying on you, you need only ask and I'll assist you.

I owe you, and not just for sticking your neck out for my job and our partnership. I owe you for being the kind of woman who inspired me to step away from people like August, for being the kind of woman to remind me of what there is to live for. And whatever else I might be, I like to think I am at least a man of my word.

This isn't to make you uncomfortable, and if it does so, feel free to chuck this letter and the flowers. I made sure I had them sent to your home, since I wouldn't want there to be another floral mix-up like the one I heard about with Ariel a few years ago.

Thank you again, Emma.

Yours,

Killian Jones

Emma stared down at the letter, her eyes burning with unshed tears. One fell onto the page, blurring his signature. He had clearly written the note himself, and she was full of conflicting emotions.

On one hand, she wasn't afraid to admit it--she was still more than a little angry. But that anger was fading a little more each day as she realized the ways Killian had been manipulated into his actions. He still should have told her, but it was getting harder to hold onto her anger.

She wiped at the tear that had tracked down her face, once again noting how much she missed him. His silliness, his easy affection, the flowery speech…life was a little bit dimmer without all of it. She snorted as she read the last paragraph, the reference to her fiery reaction to Ariel's bouquet, one that she'd thought was hers, amusing her. Of course someone had told him about that.

Honestly, Emma wasn't sure she was quite ready to bring him back into her life. At least, not fully. She had a lot of other things going on, between the book, Henry, and now the August situation. But she could reply to him, lessen the tension between them.

She could at the very least do better than ignoring his gift and his note. Walking over to her sink, she reached in the cupboard for the vase she knew was up there gathering dust. She filled it with water and placed the bouquet on her kitchen table, smiling as she opened her email client to reply to him.

Hey, Killian--

Thank you so much for the flowers, they’re lovely. Peonies have always been a favorite of mine.

I’m not sure yet what I want to do about the August situation.Thanks for offering your help with whatever I decide.

I’ll be honest, I’m not ready to let bygones be bygones yet. Though I do miss talking to you and having you around. But I… well, I’m still not ready. Maybe I will be soon, though. Just give me some more time to work through stuff.

I do have some questions about my story. I think I’m kind of stuck, and I’m wondering how to proceed. I think I might have gotten onto the wrong track with my original antagonist, and I don’t know how to resolve it. Do you have any thoughts? (I’ll send you what I have, don’t worry.)

Thanks again for the flowers.

Emma

She thought about the rather abrupt ending to her note, but grimaced and hit send before she had a chance to overthink it. Drawing in a deep breath, she got up, more at ease and ready to work on completing Jacob’s story.

&&&

“Whoa, kid, slow down,” Emma said, laughing as Henry dragged her out of The Garden, chattering a mile a minute. It was Saturday, and he'd been with her for a little over a day at this point, and it had been one of the greatest days in her recent memory.

"But it was so cool! That final goal..." Henry said excitedly, jumping up and down as they made their way to the Bug.

She wrapped an arm around his shoulder, an affection stronger than anything she'd ever known rising in her as she pulled him close.

He grinned up at her. "So, grilled cheese? At that place where your friend Ruby works?"

"You've got it. And it's going to be the best grilled cheese you've ever had."

"Will there be hot cocoa?" Henry looked up expectantly.

Emma smiled back down at him. "Of course! Where do you think I first had it?"

They pulled up to the diner and slid into Emma's favorite booth. Belle nodded across the counter in greeting. "The usual, Emma?"

"Yep! And an extra for Henry here."

They unbundled, taking off their scarves and coats as they settled in. Ruby bounded out, her enthusiasm apparent in her every step.

"Hey! I've heard so much about you, Henry. I'm Ruby, one of Emma's oldest friends," she said.

"Indeed she is." Emma laughed. "And that lovely lady bringing us cocoa is Ruby's wife, Belle."

"Everything smells so good," he said. Wonder lit his face, and his eyes were wide as he took in his surroundings.

She smiled at him. "I don't think you'll be disappointed."

They chatted while they ate their food, Ruby and Belle joining them as they could. Henry agreed that the grilled cheese was excellent, but that he needed more samples for comparison's sake.

They were walking back into Emma's apartment when Henry asked her, "So where's Killian? You haven't said anything about him the whole time I've been here., He seemed cool, and you seemed like you liked each other. My mom even said you went to a meeting for him or something."

Emma stared down at him, bemused. "Did she now?"

"Yup. And no avoiding the question."

"Jeez, some people are determined."

He just looked up at her expectantly.

"Okay, fine. Um, yeah. We're not seeing each other anymore. No hard feelings, it just didn't work out," she said. And she meant it. Ever since she'd received the bouquet from him and replied, they'd resumed a tentative friendship. He sent her jokes he thought she’d find funny or the occasional small bouquet. She'd replied with thanks and funny stories of her own, and she knew her anger was gone a few days before, when she'd been walking to work. She had passed a little antique shop she'd walked past a million times before, but this time, she saw an old ship in a bottle in the window.

It had immediately made her think of Killian. She'd gone in and bought it without a second thought. Emma still hadn't given it to him, and she wasn't sure when she would, but she knew it meant the worst of her anger was over. She wasn't ready to get back together or to throw herself into his arms or anything like tha, but she wanted him back in her life.

Shaking her head, Emma pulled herself out of her reminiscing. "So… yeah. He's great. And I think we're friends again, maybe, but that's it."

Henry look at her dubiously, clearly doubting her protestations.

She shrugged. "That's just how it goes sometimes, kid."

She couldn't shake the feeling that she might have protested too much, especially when she heard Henry mutter, "Adults are a mess, ugh."

&&&

The rest of Henry's visit passed peacefully, the two of them enjoying their final day together reading comics, watching movies, and playing video games. Emma and Regina had managed a cordial discussion and farewell at the end as they made tentative plans for another weekend in a few weeks.

She was pulling the sheets from the couch where Henry had slept, considering how she needed to invest in a sofa bed if he was going to keep staying with her  when she heard her phone buzzing with an incoming text message.

Killian: I heard through the grapevine that Henry was there this weekend. Hope it went well!

Emma smiled down at her screen.

Emma: Wow, it's almost like I told you about this weekend in my last email. :P But yeah, it did. I even got him to agree that grilled cheese from Granny's is awesome, although he has the nerve to say he needs to try others to be sure it's the best

The three dots appeared immediately, and she awaited his quick reply

Killian: He's clearly as feisty as his mother, haha

Emma: Which one lol

Killian: Both! Regina scares me a little, but I can't deny she's audacious and ambitious. And I have every confidence in your pursuit of the best grilled cheese

Emma: I always do get my sandwich

The conversation dwindled at that point, but Emma wasn't entirely surprised when a "surprise" delivery person appeared at her door the next day.

But instead of the flowers she was half expecting, it was a box. The person making the delivery just shrugged as she looked at them inquisitively.

She took it inside and opened it, reaching for the sheaf of papers inside the neatly presented box. And then she laughed, full-on belly-laughed. It was a subscription to a grilled cheese box--or at least, vouchers for grilled cheese at some of the places around town that were known for offering good, cheesy sandwiches.

Once she was done laughing, Emma didn't hesitate in taking out her phone and dialing Killian's number. "Hey, thanks for the grilled cheese," she said as soon as he picked up.

He laughed. "You're welcome, lass. I saw it and I couldn't help myself. I figured you and Henry could get some cheesy enjoyment out of it."

"And if Henry can't make it, you could come, if you'd like," she suggested, chewing on her lip, hoping he couldn't hear the complete uncertainty in her voice.

He paused. "What are you suggesting, Emma?"

"I...I think I want to be friends again."

"Truly?" He sounded so eager, and it tugged at her heartstrings.

"Yep. Do--do you want to come over and talk about it?"

Killian replied almost before she was done asking, "Absolutely. I'll be over soon. If you meant today, that is."

"Red rover, red rover, send Killian on over," she said, smiling even as the butterflies danced in her stomach.

&&&

It was an hour later when she let Killian in, and Emma muffled her laugh at how puppy-like he was in his earnestness.

“Hi, Swan. I didn’t bring anything. Should I have brought wine? I wanted to get over here as quickly as I could,” he said, eyes shining with hope, even as his ears were tinged in red.

Emma let out the laugh. “Okay, calm down, Jones. Just come sit on the couch with me.” She patted that cushion, and he sat next to her.

They sat in silence until he grew serious. “So…”

She nodded at him. “Yeah…”

“One of us should probably begin,” he said with the smallest quirk of his lip.

Biting her lower lip, she agreed. “And I think you should. I--I need a moment.”

“I don’t think I can apologize enough. For going behind your back, and lying about it,” Killian said hurriedly. The earnest look had returned, but there was something new with it--contrition.

“It’s just--I...I told you everything. You know it all, and you still lied to me.” Emma was getting incredibly annoyed at her newfound tendency to get choked up, and here she was, getting choked up again.

“I know,” he said, hanging his head.

She twisted her hands, looking down at her lap, and said, “I can’t do that again, you know?”

“And I can’t blame you for that.” He turned his gaze away from her and his shoulders slumped.

“But here’s the thing, I want to. I want to try. I miss talking to you, I miss being with you. And I want you,” Emma said, taking a deep, fortifying breath.

That hopeful look from earlier returned, even when he replied, “I’m sensing a ‘but’ in there, lass.”

Emma hesitated. “I’m really having a hard time with you lying to me and hiding things when I was vulnerable. You knew about Henry, you knew about prison, and you even fucking knew about Neal.”

“I told you about Milah and about the Navy.” He wasn’t quite defensive--no, it was more like he  was pleading with her.

“But you neglected the part where you were keeping tabs on me, and where August was basically blackmailing you with your visa. I mean, Jesus, Killian.” She shrugged, shaking her head in disbelief.

Killian buried his face in his hands for a moment before reaching over and seeking to entwine their fingers. “I--well, like I said, I have no excuse. I--Is there any way we can move past this, though? Or, perhaps, through it?”

She acknowledged his question, tinged as it was with desperation, with a serious nod. “I mean, I think we can try, as friends? I’m willing to. Just...promise me, no more lies.”

“As friends? So we’re not together again? For lack of a better phrase. Or is it just professional?”

“Can we…take it slow? And figure it out as we go?” Her voice was tremulous, indecisive.

He bit his lip, looking conflicted. “Part of why I did what I did was that I didn’t want to get hurt again. And I still don’t much like the idea. It just seems to me that not doing a good job of figuring out what we are could lead to more miscommunication and pain, rather than less. And I don’t want that for either of us, Emma.”

“I care about you. A lot. But so much is going on right now, and I’m trying to figure out how my life works again,” she said, wincing at her inability to offer him reassurance.

“I think I can do that.” To his credit, he only sounded the tiniest bit sad. His mouth was turned down, and she could see pain in his eyes, but he tried to smile.

Emma threw herself into his arms, embracing him tightly. After a moment, she pulled back, chagrin clear on her face. Wincing again at the mixed signals she was sending, she asked, “Is this okay?”

“It only wouldn’t be okay if you didn’t do that,” he said, finally laughing a little.

She laughed. “That didn’t even make sense.”

“I know,” he said, still smiling.

&&&

Before she knew it, Henry was back for his second weekend visit. This time they had a chance to do some of the sight-seeing they hadn’t been able to the previous time. They even made it out to Cambridge for a visit to the Harvard Museum of Natural History, as per Henry’s request.

Henry was a smart kid, and he immediately picked up on the frequency with which she received incoming texts, and he was wily enough to peer over her arm and see that most of them were from Killian.

He shot her a more knowing look than any eleven year-old had a right to. “So you and Killian are friends again?”

She blushed and ducked her head, trying to hide her smile. “Uh, yeah, something like that.”

“Are you all back together?!” He was all but bouncing on his feet, eyes wide as he looked up at her.

“Not really. But he’s around again, and we spend time together,” she tried to explain.

And it was true, after a fashion. Emma and Killian were texting back and forth non-stop, and they’d managed two coffee non-dates. They’d talked about her novel and helped iron out some of the issues she was having with it, but they’d also debated the merits of the latest movies they had seen and which of them had found the cuter picture of cats and dogs cuddling with each other. Emma finally felt like her friendship with Killian was back on solid ground, and that they were potentially building the foundation for something more. She didn’t want to jinx it, but she felt like maybe after this they could last.

But she wasn’t ready to confide all of that to her preteen son. So she tried to change the subject back to him.

“So, about that math class of yours, Regina mentioned you’ve been having some trouble?”

He snorted. “It’s fine. I’m doing better, now that I have a tutor.”

“Well, that’s good,” she said with a smile. Remembering one of the issues he’d had a few months before, she asked more seriously, “What about that feeling you had about someone watching you a few months ago? Anything come of that?”

Henry screwed up his mouth, a line appearing between his brows. “Not really. Sometimes I still think… but no.”

“You’d tell me if you were in trouble, right?”

He let out a loud, aggrieved sigh. “Of course. I’d tell you and I’d tell Regina.”

“That’s what I like to hear.”

&&&

After a stellar visit, Emma drove Henry back up to Storybrooke. Their next visit would be able to be a little longer, with Henry having a break from school coming up. She dropped him off at Regina’s, and decided to head out as soon as she could, even though Henry expressed some interest in bringing her to the comic book shop. She begged off, having gotten very little sleep the night before between late night chats with Henry and texts from a certain British someone. Henry was disappointed, but said he understood. Especially when he started grinning when she mentioned the texts from Killian.

The drive back was long, lengthened slightly by the nap Emma took at one of the rest stops along the way. All in all, though, she felt happy. At peace. It had been a good weekend, and it felt like things were finally going her way.

She was nearing Boston when her phone rang. She normally would just wait and deal with it when she got home, but she raised her eyebrows when she saw Regina’s name on the caller ID.

“Hey, Regina--”

The other woman’s panicked voice cut her off. “Where the hell is Henry? He’s been gone since about fifteen minutes after you left!”

[mechaspirit]

Stars Made with Love

Author’s notes: Just another Endless Summer fanfic I made, and this one is tied with my other story Counting Star. It’s not entirely necessary to read that one first, but if you want to, you’ll get a glimpse of my MC backstory and how it relates to the one right here now. Is it bad that I’m doing this because I miss Endless Summer...and that I also miss Jake? 🌴🌺💔

Anyway, enjoy.

Rated: T

Pairings: MCxJake

Summary: Certain numbers of paper stars you make have certain meanings. Here on the island full of mysteries, the young heroine put all her feelings to the origami stars she makes while reflecting on the love she has for a certain pilot...

A Happy Couple

I never thought I would fall for someone like you, until now. Somehow, you’re like the other half of me. The one who I feel safe and connect with. For some reason, it feels like I’ve been looking for you all this time. There’s no paradise on this island. But with you here, everything feels right.

Being stuck on a volcanic island filled with time loops, strange creatures, and blue-skinned warriors are no picnic. Hell, they tried so many times trying to get off this island hell, only for their plans to be sabotaged every, freakin’ time. Hell, a giant sea monster literally appeared when they tried to escape by using a boat to go to another island just to look for help, causing three people to nearly died.

However...there are some things aren’t always so bad on this island.

On the rooftop of the Celestial Hotel, Yurika continued folding thin strips of paper into origami stars before placing them into a small, star-shaped glass jar with a chain attached to the lid. Apparently, this is a hobby she developed ever since she was a kid, and it comforts her in many different ways. Especially in the times like this, where she, Sean, and Jake managed to survive the boat crash thanks to the hideous sea monster. Not only that, there are a few Watchers who are literally at their tails after Craig attacked them, thinking that they were hurting them while in actuality, the leader was connecting with Yurika through their minds.

And speaking of Jake...

It’s almost been a week since Yurika first met Jake back on the plane, yet she felt like there’s a connection between a two of them. She wouldn’t say that it was love at first even though she admitted that he was attractive as hell, mind you. Yurika did find the pilot’s sarcastic, cynical behavior off-putting sometimes while Jake considers her annoying like the other college students who joined the trip. But by the time she gets to know him better, Yurika finds out that there’s more to the pilot than meets the eye and admires him for his survival skills, laidback attitude, and protectiveness over her since that encounter from the Watchers and the explosion back at the hangar.

A small blush spread across the blonde woman’s cheek as another flashback crosses her mind. She thought she was hallucinating at the time, but the more she thought about it, the more she realized it was real. That underwater kiss they shared when they thought they were going to die...the way their lips pressed together and moved in synced...everything felt real to her. Not sure if it’s the same for the pilot, though. It’s one of the reasons why she’s been avoiding him all day along with trying to keep her mind off the incident for a while.

Yurika held two colored paper stars, red and green, up in the air, seeing that it somewhat resembles her and Jake. A vague memory hit her when her father taught her how to make them. He even told her that a certain number of stars she makes have certain meanings and that making a jar full of origami stars as a gift for their beloved ones can be considered as good luck.

Yeah...in the back of Yurika’s mind, it seems childish. And she can’t picture herself giving that kind of gift to the ex-military pilot. Besides, no one beside Diego knew about her hobby and she’d rather keep it that way just so she doesn’t embarrass herself. Regardless, Yurika still put her feelings to each star she makes.

“Thought I might find you here, Princess,” Yurika froze, hearing a familiar voice behind her, “Mind telling me why you’ve been avoiding me all day?”

The young woman quickly gathered her contents, snapped the jar shut, and hid it behind the strange potted plants before coming face-to-face with him. Normally, she would’ve been more composed with Jake, but after that boat incident, she felt incredibly nervous.

“Er...aside from preparing the barricades from the Watchers?” she stammered.

“Yeah, besides that.”

“...No reason, really. What brought that along?” Yurika asked, even though part of her knew the answer.

Jake narrowed his eyes skeptically at the young woman before taking a spot next to her on the balcony. An uncomfortable silence ensued before he spoke again. “So you really don’t know what happened after the boat crash, do you?”

“Um...I remembered being washed up on the shore.”

“Before that.”

Yurika’s face went red, realizing that Jake was talking about that underwater kiss and unspokenly asked if it meant anything.

“Well...it’s just...” she struggled to find her words, “I wasn’t so sure if that was real or not.”

The pilot smirked at her almost in satisfaction before leaning his face towards hers. “Maybe I’ll let this connect the dots.”

With that, he kissed her passionately in which the college girl returned almost immediately. By the time they let go for air, a grin appeared on Yurika’s face.

“So, that one’s real. Right?”

Jake smirked in response, “If this kiss isn’t real, Princess, then I don’t know what is.”

The young woman smiled at him before wrapping her arms around his neck and deepening the kiss once again.

Two stars.

Love for a Lifetime

If there’s anything that I feared the most in my life, it’s losing the ones who I really love. You, especially. By the time I took a glimpse of my own fate, I started to crumble and fear for the worst.

Night falls at the Elyys’tel after that battle with Cetus and the funeral of the former, beloved Elyyshar Ximaedra. Inside one of the huts, Yurika was tossing and turning in her bed with tears in her eyes, unable to drift herself away from the vision she saw from her own Catalyst idol.

She...didn’t die in that future vision, but there are things that are worse than death. Eleven mounds...Eleven graves...She was forced to watch herself burying her friends’ corpses.

Yurika couldn’t shake the fact that all her friends are going to die soon. She couldn’t bear with that. Aside from Diego, they were strangers to her at first. But thanks to the abnormal situations happening on the island, they’ve slowly become her family...an irreplaceable one. She already lost her real one a long time ago. She couldn’t afford to lose another one again.

Just then, she felt something cold, yet warm against her neck. Yurika turned to her side, noticing a blue snow fox nuzzling his nose against her in concern.

“...I’m alright, Furball,” she sat up and held the snow fox close to her chest, “I just couldn’t sleep.”

Furball whimpered a little before licking salty tears from his human friend’s face. They stayed like that for a moment before Yurika placed her furry friend down, climbed out of the straw bed, and went outside to get some fresh air. But not without grabbing her glass jar full of origami stars.

She decided to head to the beach where the battle with Cetus takes place as well as where she had to grab the Andromeda Idol. Despite being at the remains of the battlefield, stars were shining in the sky and Yurika found it really calming somewhat.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough to take her pain away. Her attempts to make more paper stars prove that. Yurika kept having flashbacks from that horrible vision which crumbled her efforts of making the paper stars, leading them to become a folding mess. She eventually gave in, curled up into a ball, and started crying. She was taken over by her grief for a long time that she didn’t even realize someone coming towards her.

“Princess, what’s wrong?”

Yurika looked up to just to see Jake standing beside her, probably just got out of bed because of his messy, brown hair and drowsy eyes. He appeared to be awake just seconds later after he noticed tears falling from her eyes.

“You’re...you’re crying. What happened?” The pilot sat down beside the blonde girl and used the back of his hand to wipe her tears away. Yurika responded by grabbing his hand gently and kissing his fingers, one by one.

“I...I have a bad dream. That’s all,” she said half-truthfully, cursing at herself for lying to him.

“...Come here.” Jake gently wrapped his arm around the young woman and pulled her closer, pressing soft kisses to her forehead as she returned the embrace. Yurika’s tears slowed down a little and gripped his shirt before feeling the chained dog togs around his neck against her cheek.

Realization hit her. He had one of those idols, too. Meaning he’ll eventually become one of the eleven victims before she, too, had to bury him. Yurika wished she could tell him what she really saw, but something held her back from doing so. But if she could find some ways to prevent that, then...

“Jake,” she murmured, causing the brunette to look down on her, “Promise me that you won’t die on me.”

Jake stared at his princess for a moment before holding on to her even tighter. “Like hell, I would.”

Nine stars.

Love Without Any Regret

I can’t always tell what you’re thinking, sometimes. I understand that you’re not the kind of person who can open up their feelings, but I’m always here for you to talk about it if you need to. Yet, why is it that you’re always trying to push me away?

Yurika could see the pain in his eyes when Jake finally told his secret to their friends during the coronation festival. They were all shocked, of course, but soon come to realize that he and his best friend didn’t actually commit the crime. Rather, they were framed.

Still, she knew it was hard for the pilot to reveal his darkest secret to everyone. And he seemed to be even more hurt when he had to tell her that, too. But actually, Yurika knew everything right from the beginning. He couldn’t remember it because Varyyn’s blue necklace had reversed the time before the former’s apparent death, but Jake had told her everything that there was all about him on the night they shared back at the Celestial Hotel. And that was the night when she learned that he built those walls around himself so that he wouldn’t be able to feel those pains again. Although sad that he wasn’t able to remember that anymore, Yurika was happy enough to know that Jake trusted her enough to tell her his secret during that time.

But...

“You want us to do what now?”

“You heard me, Princess. There’s no way we can keep this up, now that you know that I’m a wanted man. So we better end this before either of us regret startin’ it in the first place.”

Yurika couldn’t believe it. Is he saying that they should end this relationship right now?!

Yes. Yes, he is. A dark voice told her. She shook her head out of that thought.

“Listen Jake. If it’s about me, mentioning that we’ll find a way to bring you home, I didn’t mean to make you upset. I just thought that-”

“That’s not it,” The pilot cut her off and sighed, “Think about it, will ya? By the time we get off of this damned island, you have college stuff to take care of and multiple shots of having a future. Me? I have nothing. Nothing to give you, at the very least. You don’t wanna be tied down with someone like me.”

The college girl just crossed her arms and glared at him. “Since when do you have a right to decide what’s best for me?”

“Since right from the beginning,” Jake replied, trying to hide the guilt from his eyes, “Just forget about everything we had together right now, Yurika. Move on. Find someone else who can give you a normal life, like Captain America or...”

“Hold up, Top Gun,” Yurika stopped him with her hand up, “First of all, Sean has nothing to do with the conversation we’re having now. Second of all, my life is no longer normal. Not since we’ve entered this island. And even if that isn’t the case, I swore to myself and everyone else that we’ll get out of this place. You, especially. Did you think I’m going to abandon you just because of the fact that you have a bounty on your head? I can’t do that.”

“Dammit, Princess. Don’t you regret any of this?!” The pilot retorted.

Silent ensued before the young woman spoke again with an icy tone. “Regret knowing that some of us may not last forever in this island. Yes. But regret spending every moment with you even if our time here is short. No. Never. But I guess it’s clear that you don’t want this anymore.”

Before Jake could stop her, Yurika turned and walk away from him, sad and furious that he would push her away without giving her the chance to reassured him that she’ll stay by his side no matter what.

Fifty-five stars.

The Borderless Love

Despite the argument we had, I swore to myself to keep you alive no matter what. I could’ve lost you that day, had I not convinced you not to fight alone. But I won’t let that happen...

Okay. It’s not like any of them expected this, but they just had to run into him. His old commander of all people. Everyone now knew how dangerous Lundgren is, especially since he now has an army behind him, carrying high-teched weapons. And now the whole group is surrounded.

“Princess, it’s me he wants. Take the others and get out of here!”

Yurika grabbed his arm and stared at him in the eyes, barely hearing Michelle’s comment about the life-and-death situation. “Jake, I’m not leaving you!”

Seeing how serious she is, it took only a few seconds for a pilot to give in to her demands. “Dammit, Princess...Why you gotta make me feel weak at a time like this?”

Varyyn quickly ordered his warriors to protect the Catalysts from the Arachnid soldiers. Everyone else tried to fight back with everything they got just to escape. While the Vaanti warriors tried to hold back the troops from gaining on the Catalysts, one of the soldiers managed to shot a bullet straight at Yurika...

CRACK!

...only for her to dodge just in time and let her chained glass jar attached to her bag take the shot instead, shattering into pieces.

“Shit!” Yurika muttered as the glass content and her stars fell to the snowy ground. She didn’t have time to gather some of them up and instead have to catch up to the group before soldiers can take their lives.

Now, she lost her ninety-nine stars.

You are the One

We managed to survive the encounter, but fear inside us still remains. My fear of seeing everyone’s fates coming true. And your fear of dragging us down and losing us all because you were being hunted. Despite all that, we were able to find comfort with each other once again...

After running away from the Arachnid soldiers in a cold blizzard, Yurika realized she hated the cold with burning passion. It started to get worse once realization hit her that everyone is in more danger than they were before. And it doesn’t help that the more idols she collected, the more possible chance that her beloved friends are going to die.

She then heard a groan of frustration, realizing it came from the living room of the Elysian Lodge Resort. Yurika saw the pilot sitting on the couch, head buried in his own hand. Noticing the pain he is in right now, she quickly went over to him, gently enclosing her hand around his wrist.

“Jake?”

The brunette looked up at the college girl with his eyes filled with guilt and despair. It broke Yurika’s heart just to see him like this, so she quickly wrapped her arms around his neck in which the latter returned almost immediately. They stay like this for a moment, feeling the warmth and breathing into each other’s scents before Jake finally found his voice.

“Shit. I didn’t think he would find us here, Princess,” Jake told her, his voice shaking in fear and regret.

“I know. But then again, none of us did,” Yurika replied reassuringly, “I know this isn’t your fault, Jake.”

“But hell, it is,” he retorted, “All of you kids are in danger because of me. I...I don’t want to risk losing you, Yurika. Just like I lost Mike.”

The blonde held on to his face with her hands, making him look at her in the eyes...cerulean blue meeting dark green. “You won’t lose me, Jake. I can assure you that.”

And I won’t lose you, either. Because you’re the one who completed me, she thought before pressing her lips to his.

This would’ve been her one hundred and one stars.

The Whole Year of Blessing

A new year means a new beginning. Perhaps a whole year of blessing. I was glad that I get to spend it with you. I wasn’t sure if fate brought us together for this or not. But if it did, then I didn’t regret meeting you.

Never thought that they would celebrate New Year’s Day on this crazy island. But they did anyway. They might as well enjoy this moment while they can before preparing another journey ahead of them.

Seeing the lights in the sky reminded them of the ones the couple saw back at the control airstrip tower, where they were first drawn together. And as time goes by, from the mountain climbing to that underwater cave, everything clicks between the two of them.

Perhaps being stuck on this island wasn’t so bad for the two of them. If this trip never happened, then they would have never met.

Yurika felt Jake’s hand entwined with hers as they continued to watch their friends on the rooftop celebrating the remaining time of their New Year party. She could definitely see the lights dancing around his eyes, like the one at the tower. By the time Jake glanced at her, he could tell that they were thinking the same thing.

Turns out that the two unfortunate souls were fortunate enough to meet other in this circumstances rather than the other. That’s something that neither one of them would want to change.

Three hundred and sixty-five stars.

I Love You

There is nothing in this world or the next we can’t face together. I meant every word of it. Whatever the future holds for the both of us, I pray that we’ll be together to face it, thick and thin. I never want this bond to ever be broken.

It was only a few hours since they confess their love for each other on what appeared to possibly be their last night together before they have to head to the MASADA complex to reach the gate. It was painful to think about that, knowing that there are going to be plenty of risks to take (with Yurika knowing that she still have to prevent her friends’ deaths and with Jake knowing that he’ll still be on the run and had to face his and Mike’s family), but it won’t stop either of them from making the night count for both of them. Bare and completely spent, they snuggled against each other, feeling the warmth they love so much, knowing that they won’t be able to feel this again for a long time...assuming that they did manage to make it out alive.

“I never ever want this to end,” Yurika admitted.

“Neither did I,” Jake agreed, holding onto her protectively, “Any regrets?”

“None,” she replied without missing a beat, “You?”

“Just one,” he sighed, “Knowing that I can’t give you everything that you deserve.”

Yurika quickly gave him a reassuring kiss and stared into his cerulean, blue eyes. “Believe it or not, you’ve given me more than enough. And I won’t change any of that.”

She could see relief in his eyes before the pilot gave out his usual cocky grin, “Have I ever told you that I love you?”

Yurika rolled her eyes and laughed, “You just did not too long ago Top Gun.”

“Just making sure it wasn’t one-sided,” he joked. The blonde woman shook her head and let their foreheads pressed against each other.

“And I love you, Jake. We’ll be able to get through this just as long as we have each other.”

Five hundred and twenty stars.

Everlasting Love

I saw your fate that day. Seeing you breaking out of that prison and giving up your life just to save me...I couldn’t even stop my tears from overflowing. As much as I love you for your undying loyalty, I’m not going to let you risk your life like that. I care about you too much to let that happened...

Tears fell from her eyes by the time she saw the vision ended. After being trapped in that cryostasis tube for five years, Yurika was forced to see Jake giving up his freedom and his life just to save her. The last thing she could remember was the scent of his blood...and his loving gaze before the light goes out from his eyes once again.

“What’s the matter?” Jake asked her after seeing tears falling from her eyes.

“I...” Yurika could barely form any words from her mouth. All she could do now was to stand there and held a firm grip on the Lupus Idol. Regardless, the pilot pulled her into a gentle embrace.

“Hey, it’s alright,” he told her while stroking her blonde hair. Yurika rested her head on his shoulder, breathing in his scent. Then, she finally found her voice again.

“Thank you, Jake.”

“For what?”

“For something you’ll never have to do,” she replied, “Not after today”.

Jake stared at her in confusion before forming a grinned on his face. “Sometimes, I can’t keep up with your riddles. Come on. Let’s find this gate and bring you home.”

By the time he turned away, Yurika glanced down at the idol, feeling the anxiety and determination inside her.

If only you knew what’s going to happen to you, she thought to herself, But I’m not going to let that future come true, Jake. If I have to take your place to die, I’ll gladly do it. Just give me a chance to protect you this time.

Nine hundred and ninety-nine stars.

Eternal Love

Even we’re apart, there isn’t a time when I didn’t think about you. I hope you’re still alive and safe, along with the others. To be honest...I’m not really in a good place right now. I just found out a shocking truth of this island...and myself. Or rather my other self. I don’t know. It’s really hard to accept the truth...to know that you’ve died so many times in different timelines. At least one thing that comforts me for sure is knowing that you really do love me. Even after two thousand, one hundred and thirty-nine times. And I do love you, too. I just...wished that you’re here with me now just to help me get used to this pain.

After knowing the truth behind the amber idols and The Endless’s identity, Yurika felt sick. She distanced herself from the shaman, the female pirate, and her other-self. Knowing that she and her friends had been stuck in a time loop, her friends dying repeatedly in different timelines, and the methods The Endless use to save everyone, Yurika couldn’t handle the truth much longer.

The young woman held on to the glass jar (the one she found at the Elysian Lodge back at the mountains) full of the origami stars she just created as she gazed at the stars in the sky. After going through that ritual, she never felt so lost in her life and now there is no one she can trust to comfort her...to take her worries away.

At the very least, they are still alive. Otherwise, the idols wouldn’t activate back at the cave. Yurika wasn’t sure what to do now that she knows part of the truth of the island nor can she trust her other-self to guide her to get through this. Yet, there’s still hope inside her that she and her friends will be reunited. Jake, especially. Maybe there will be a chance that there’s going to be a brighter future for the two of them once they stop Rourke from his evil doings and finally find a way to get out of this island for good.

As a shooting star passed by, Yurika held on to her own stars made with love as she thought of her beloved pilot who landed somewhere on this island right after they got separated.

“I love you.”

One thousand, three hundred and fourteen stars.

Love you 10,000 years

Two thousand, one hundred and thirty-nine times, I have fallen in love with you. Two thousand, one hundred and thirty-nine times, I’ve watched you die right in front of me. The decisions I made aren’t the ones I’m very proud of, but they’re the ones I have to make in order to help you survive. My younger-self does not agree with me on what I have to do. However, I knew that someday, she’ll understand that these drastic measures are necessary...and that the decisions she makes will reflect on their future.

She lost count of how many years have passed for her. All she knew it’s been a really, really long time since she’s been like this. An empty void. Yet, since the cycle has been broken, she felt a tiny hope for a first time inside her.

The Endless glanced at her younger-self laying on the ground watching the stars glittering in the night sky, clutching the glass jar filled with folded paper stars in her hand. Quite a predictable sight, because they’re technically the same person and would let their own stars guide them. Though, her younger-self kept hers longer than expected while The Endless abandoned hers out of grief.

Yurika...It was her own name that The Endless had long forgotten, yet somehow brought back some nostalgic feelings. It made her remembered who she used to be, but yet at the time, it made her remembered the chapter of their lives that would always end in tragedies. Seeing her lover dying multiple times proves that.

Not every love story is a fairy tale. They both knew that. But perhaps for her younger-self, things will be different. After all, Yurika had passed her first test to break the cycle. Now The Endless has to make sure to help her get ready for what’s to come.

And depending on her younger self's decisions, she may be able to receive the happiness and the love she deserves in her brighter future that The Endless may never have.

Ten thousand stars.